Blue

I was in such a bad mood tonight.

I met Emily for coffee today-the chat itself was great. She's volunteering at my church this year- and she's from America. We're kinda like opposites and yet completely the same. We've been challenging each other a lot. My challenge is to like me.

We were talking about how odd it is that we are LOVED by GOD and yet we still seek acceptance. The God of all creation loves us but we feel the need to dress in the right clothes, say the right things to be loved by people. It's a human condition to crave love and acceptance- something put in us by God I believe cause He wants us to seek him. And yet I seek love from friends, guys- anyone who I believe doesn't HAVE to love me. Even a stranger walking down the street.

I go to the bother of deciding what clothes I'm going to wear the night before. I stick little pieces of plastic to my eyes so I don't have to wear glasses and I spend a least 5 minutes every morning applying make-up that I highly doubt anyone can see- but it makes me feel better. I guess it makes me like every other human.

Some day I think I might just wear odd socks- clothes that really don't match or suit me- or perhaps just a silly hat. Or I'll put bright pink streaks in my hair. Or maybe I'll do the ironic thing of being gothic to be different and yet look like everyone else.

I think it's part of the reason I'd like to be five again. You should see some of the pictures of me from then! I wore the brightest colours, with frills and ruffles and pretty much everything and anything girly! I also had a fab pair of pink plastic sunglasses for the summer! Also, when I was 5 I didn't care about guys (though I did have a "boyfriend") or whether or not I was studying the right subject- or even if I was living the correct way. I was just living. Enjoying every day and everything it offered. I was excited to get out of bed!

I think that's part of the reason why I want to be a good mother. I want my children to experience the feeling of innocence and secure happiness for as long as possible-which is difficult in a world that's full of hatred and terror.

I guess I long for a child like faith too. One that just knows that I'm loved by God instead of wondering why He would ever think of me. I'm so glad that my dad was so good to me growing up because my favourite image of God is Him as a Father.

I'm tired now. Falling asleep as I type. I'm also babbling, so I'm going to go now! Night xo.

Rambling

It really has been a life time since I last updated. I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not really. I had so much stuff I needed to work through and using my blog to vent would not only have been annoying to readers, but embarrassing to me- in the long run anyway.

Lately I've been feeling quite angry at life. There are so many things happening right now that I'd just like to freeze so I have time to think about it. I hate making decisions quickly- for the most part I just hate decisions actually. I don't feel like I'm in a place to get anything right at the moment.

Anyway, I missed writing about my 20th(!!!!) birthday. Probably quite deliberately. Don't want to be 20. Filled out a form the other day and was like "hmm, what age am I? 19? Darn, no I'm 20!" Still want to be 5.

For my birthday I got a guitar, though technically I've had it since the summer. I also got clothes and cds and stuff. I got a box last week from USA. It rocked. I got a new dvd and a picture book which is fab cause now I have more pictures to look at and smile about. I really miss them all. Would love to be back there.

Oh also, I got my hair fixed! It's not longer red! That was very exciting- though no one noticed!

For my birthday I went bowling with friends from church. It was lots of fun. I also went out to lunch with a friend from Uni and went to CU and then to Roast to have coffee with all my friends. That was lots of fun, though I got slagged again. I'm constantly being slagged- mostly about guys. Luckily I really don't care. I think I take it a million time better now. Uni has increased my confidence levels!

I'm still adjusting to uni life. I don't know if I ever really will adjust. Kinda sucks when I see all the Methody people wandering about and I think how much I miss school. Why do I miss school? It really makes no sense. At the time I think I was quite dying to get out of there. To get away from all the rules. But really I like rules. I like structure. I like people telling me what and when I need to do- and having people to help me. Also, I miss all my friends. I have new friends in uni and they are a laugh- don't know what I'd do without them- and yet, it's just not the same. Things were a whole lot simpler then.

But then, would I sacrifice my gap year for simple? Nope. I wouldn't give up my friends and family in PSL for the world. My gap year was not a sacrifice, it was a blessing. I'm only really seeing how much that's true now. I learnt a lot more than I'll let on to my church and I grew as a person. I did change, even if people can't see it. My future changed. My views of family, love, children, home changed, without even factoring in God. Putting what I learnt about God and how I want Him to control everything completely changes my future.

That could be part of why I'm questioning chemistry. Could also be cause I suck at it. And maths is pure torture. Hmm...anyone else thinking Bible College? Though this could also be like the work thing- I'm meant to hate it.

What I'd love to do is sing. I love singing so much. My sister once said I would hum along to the vacuum cleaner. Not sure that's a good thing, but I have always loved singing. I used to make up songs when I was a kid. Then I realised I sucked at that too when I did GCSE music.

Ah well, I gotta go for food now. Hope you are all well. xoxo.

A love letter

Father's Love Letter - English

My Child
You may not know me, but I know everything about you Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your father 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore Psalm 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is Will you be my child? John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad. Almighty God

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Student Bum

Well I've just "survived" my first week of uni. It was awful.

I got up bright and early on Monday morning and got dressed in the outfit I'd picked out the night before (how organised of me) and wandered downstairs in search of food. Not much of a selection in my house. Might need to amend the shopping list this week!

Then I went and got the bus, but missed the one I wanted to get so I walked super-speed from town to uni. Kind of tiring so not good for focusing during lectures!

So I went to my first lecture and met Jennifer. She's kind of quirky, but still my first uni friend. The lecturer is quite amusing. He played random music and refused to start before 9! He pretty much started right in to talking about the course, the textbooks (one's £40 and the other's £60- the two best but there are like 20 others suggested!) Then he started straight into the Periodic Table. Apparently I have to learn it off-by-heart!! Ok, so the first group is Hydrogen, Lithium, Sodium, Potassium, Rubidium (or however you really spell it! It's symbol is Rb, that's enough for me!), Ceasium, Francium. So I know one column- only like another 6 to go!

Then I had an hour break which I shouldn't have had, but hey it was nice to go and have hot chocolate. I went to Common Grounds cause I'd lost Jennifer and was all alone *sniff*. But I know people who work at Common Grounds thanks to Preterm so I went there and wasn't a complete loner. Plus they don't believe in keeping their profits so I was helping people too! All was good with the world... (especially since the next chem lecture was nothing about actual chemistry)...

...UNTIL... maths. Dun dun dun. I love maths but my lecturer (who reminds me of a professor from Harry Potter- Professor Flitwick played by Warwick Davis who I just found out also played Willow. Creepy!) goes way too fast through stuff. He just skips points out and then I have to try and link back. Very distressing. And the class wasn't meant to happen then. It was meant to be during my hour break, but he was nice enough to repeat the lecture. Oh and when I was leaving chem I was stopped by Richard who wanted a copy of my timetable, which made me late for maths and while we were rushing to the lecture he was smoking dope!!!

Moving on... I walked home Monday not feeling too bad about it all, especially with the prospect of having Tuesday off. I went through my notes and wasn't feeling too bad about it all.

On Wednesday I got up and went to Ashby 612. The room was completely full of people- no empty seats, and I should have realised then that not all the class was there. Jennifer wasn't even there- though she was getting her glasses fixed instead! Anyway, we sat there for about half an hour before people started to leave. I felt bad about leaving cause he still could arrive, but then we realised that the lecture had actually happened in a different room! The timetables were wrong! I got the notes and had absolutely no idea what was going on. Partly because they were in the wrong order, but mostly because it's chemistry and who really knows what's going on?

Then I went to another maths lecture and was so lost. Due to the fact that he was going through stuff he'd done in Tuesday's problem class, but I was going to Wednesdays because soon enough Chem lectures will be on Tuesday. And then after hanging about for two hours and losing Nicky who was meant to be keeping me company, I went to the problem class and he just skipped questions and moved on to an exam paper. I was so lost. So my sister picked me up, already a drowned rat by this stage, and I went home and collapsed, fighting the tears.

I checked my emails (as we have to all the time) and had two apologies about the timetable. And the lecturer said he'd go through the notes. Phew. Things were looking up.

Thursday I went to a stupid IT induction that was a complete waste of sleeping time. Then onto another distressing maths class. Went into town after that and my mummy bought me warm clothes cause I'm not coping well with winter. Plus I like pretty clothes. Then she bought me lunch.

I then rushed back up to uni to meet Stephen. Walked super-speed again only to read a text saying he'd be 15 minutes late. Great. It was still nice to see him though. And I got a hug which made up for my lousy week I think. I'm so easily pleased!

Today was a million times better. I went to chemistry and he explained the notes from Wednesday and it all clicked! Wahoo! And then I went to maths, and although I still don't understand inequalities, we've moved onto vectors and so far I recognise it all. YAY. I'm going to figure out the rest of it over the weekend.

After my lectures I went to meet my sister in town, after being chatted up by a guy called Azeem. Oh joy. My sister bought me lunch and a cd, which is part of my birthday present. She's so sweet. Oh and then I saw Julie from preterm on the bus. Was very exciting. She's going to text me to meet up with her next week. Can't wait! She's hilarious.

So now you're up to date to the point of me falling asleep at the computer ____
_____
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Really I am quite tired, so I'm going to go sleep now. In the words of Julia Stiles, "Sleep is good..."

Life

Not really sure what I'm writing about but it's fun to see what comes out....

Last night was a cool night. Went out with Jenny and Hassan to Odyssey. We were only meant to go bowling and to Pizza Hut but we ended up going to see an advanced showing of Serenity. I loved it. Would like to see it again. Kind of gross in parts- thought I might have nightmares- but really it has everything. Laughed loads, nearly cried, was so shocked at one point, literally biting my nails cause I was freaked out at one point. It's class.

Then we went to Pizza Hut and Jenny made me drink lots of coke and eat chocolate so I would wake up. Have to say it worked for like half an hour. Pizza was yummy, but kind of made me feel ill afterwards. Somehow Pizza Hut always does. Maybe it's cause of the grease or something. Even in America it had the same effect. Very odd. Could also have been partly cause I ate loads. Potato wedges, an individual pizza and some chocolate fondue.

Bowling was fun. Think Hassan expected he would have an easy win over us. I beat him first game, but I only bowled 100. Bowled 95 second time. Oooh and I hurt my thumb, and I was getting grouchy by this stage. Overall I'm happy with it!

Last night I found it really hard to get to sleep. Think I fell asleep close to 3 and then I woke up at 9 this morning and even though I could have slept til like 10.30 (I worked out how long I needed!) I just couldn't get back to sleep. Very annoying.

I had to go to a Queens induction today. Very boring and not helpful at all. Complete waste of time! Tomorrow is Freshers festival and apparently I HAVE to go. Couldn't be bothered really. Thursday I have to go for some speech thing too. Last week of freedom- yeah right!

Looked at the timetable I have for two of my modules and it's crazy! Don't have my third module times yet but I'm guessing they'll be about 10hours per week so I'll be in like 26 hours. Don't think I'll enjoy Tuesday cause I have practicals 10-1, a maths lecture at 1 and then more practicals 2-5. Ah well. I think I'm liking the idea of getting started, even if I will be busy. I just want to know what all the modules are like and then get used to a routine again. Course time will fly after that, but really I don't know what I'm waiting around for. I'm getting frustrated with my life right now so I think I'm ready for a change.

"If not" faith

Daniel 3:15- 18
"¹⁵ Now when you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipes and all kinds of music, if you are ready to fall down and worship the image I made, very good. But if you do not worship it, you will be thrown immediately into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?"

¹⁶ Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. ¹⁷ If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. ¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

I remember doing the spiritual gifts test and finding one of my gifts to be faith. It made me wonder, as does this passage, of how far faith can take us. I took a big leap of faith going to America- and yet it felt like nothing, especially in comparison to stepping into a blazing furnace. It amazes me to think that God is there even in the toughest times. Kind of puts stepping into university into perspective. Really compared to what these guys went through, or many other people throughout the world who are persecuted for their faith, I have it easy.

It's also cool to see that their faith is not simply because they know what God will do. Obviously they would hope that God would protect them- but really, who knows what God's going to do? They just said "even if He doesn't save us, we aren't going to worship." It's always a risk to step out in faith, but God is a God of love.

"Nothing that happens can harm me,
Whether I lose or win.
Though life may be changed on the surface,
I do my main living within."

Just read a really deep thing. "We must have a love for God so strong that even if everything around us was stripped away -our work, family, health, status - we would still go on loving Him regardless."

I think that's a tough challenge. I do know in times of trouble I run to God, like a child who scraps their knee runs to a parent. It's kind of hard to predict what I would do in a situation where I was left with nothing. I would hope that I would think that truly I could never have nothing because God will not leave me nor forsake me.

Readings

"ONE day while driving on a new motorway I noticed several large
electronic signs at various intervals above the road.  Some of the signs
were blank, while others flashed a message, usually warning motorists of
traffic conditions ahead.  I decided to look at all of them because one
might say something that would affect my route or safety.

As I thought about those signs, it dawned on me that I read the Bible
each day for much the same reason.  Sometimes the Bible speaks to me
more than at other times.  But on any given day there may be a message
there that will change the direction I am traveling and protect me or
someone else from harm.  I may find a word of guidance that helps me
make a decision or avoid a sin.  I may find a word of reproach that
causes me to change the way I'm thinking or acting.  I may find a word
of grace that brings peace and forgiveness to my spirit.  Each day I
read the Bible to see what message God has for me." 
Dick Ryley

I read this is this morning (or actually afternoon for me cause I slept really late
due to the lack of sleep before!) It was kind of right there with what I needed to
think this morning what I needed to think.  

Queens CU Preterm

I'm just back from Queens CU preterm and it was cool! I met SO many people. Was slightly daunting, but still really good. I think I'll probably just randomly bump into a lot of them cause no one else is studying chemistry so I won't be in their small group, and CU big gatherings have like 500 people there so I doubt I'll see them regularly.

The speaker Dave (I do know his last name but I'm running on like 4 hours sleep last night- which is a lot, but not when you had two nights previously with not enough sleep, plus I like sleep and it helps me function.), anyway, yes, he was cool. He was really quite inspirational and I did feel like he was talking just to me so much.

He works in City Church and is so excited about their coffee shop. He talked a lot about his work there and previously in youth groups. He also talked a lot about his family,and showed finding nemo clips! He's been married to Jill for about 6 years and they have two gorgeous children- Mia, who's 2 and a half, and Chi (pronounce Ki and short for Malachi) is 9 months old. They were so cute and really not all that put off by the large group of people.

Anyway, I wrote down a lot and thought I'd share some of that. It really is amazing to think that even as the world was being created, our lives were known and significant. No longer can we, as Christians, say we don't matter. God loves us so much He sent His son- who looked into a cup not only full of our sin, but God's wrath that we should have paid for and said "Not my will, but yours."

Dave was talking about when Jesus was praying and saying if someone had been there and asked him why he would go through with all that distress, he might say that he would never want to see the pain that was in his eyes in ours. I just thought that was amazing. I very often get freaked out by things- not to as great a distress as that, but I do hold onto a lot of stuff. One of those things is death, but really death has lost it's sting. The devil has no power- and in fact we can make him cower in fear by God's power. It's kind of amazing to think about it all.

A lot of my devotions and the talks focused on how God needs to be "always before me."
Psalm 16:8-11
⁸ I keep the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. ⁹ Therefore my heart is glad, and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, ¹⁰ because you will not abandon me to the grave nor will you let your Holy One see decay. ¹¹ You have made known to me the path of life; you fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

It really made me think about when the last time my heart was truly glad or my tongue rejoiced. Am I really giving it all to God? Do I fully believe that I'm keeping Him always before me and therefore shall not be shaken?

I think I'm in the habit of self-reliance, or reliance on other humans. Sometimes it's good to rely on others- like Jesus in flesh- but I read yesterday in my devotion "unless we have complete confidence in God how can we live as a joyous child?" I have total faith in God's ability to do anything. All things are possible. It's just sometimes I question why He would want to do that for me. I do need to remind myself that to God, I'm significant.

I was thinking also that I might be seeking to be 5 (cause being 5 would rock!) in body, mind, heart and spirit. To be free of all the burden, not because it doesn't exist, but because God alone is my rock and salvation, He is my fortress and I will not be shaken. I want to live in total dependence of God. I want to trust in God with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding- cause if I trust myself I'll end up flat on my face. Only God can make my path straight.

It's like a real loving relationship (or so I'm told) that you have to be vulnerable. When you are in love with someone you are automatically vulnerable because that person has the power to destroy you. I think that's a lesson to me, that you can't love and be protected- in relationships with spouses and in the marriage with God. I can't hold back from God and be ashamed- cover up- because apart from the fact God can see all, I need to be fully vulnerable with God. Apart from anything who else is going to love me unconditionally?

But the cool thing is that God does love us unconditionally- and pure love casts out fear. If we are in a situation where we might be rejected by others we can still step back and say "that's ok" because no matter what God loves us and is for us.

Our souls cannot relax and remain untroubled until we are convinced of the love and goodness of God. And no matter how it may seem that God doesn't love us through all the many things that are happening in our mixed up world- such as Hurricanes and Tsunamis- we need to believe that God is a just loving God who is perfect and therefore right in the way that He manages His creation. It's not like a kid playing with ants and a magnifying glass, it's like a father who sends us children out to play. If one of them gets hurt it's not the father's fault or intention, but he's there for his offspring, to comfort and love. The world isn't always perfect, but it seems brighter when there's someone who's always there.

Ok, so this seems very disjointed because it was thoughts spread three days, but the most important point is that I want to acknowledge God in all I do. It's a big challenge, especially with all the other things going on, but to quote my friend Cathay (substituting Chemistry for Pharmacy)
"I want to leave Queens knowing more about God than I do about Chemistry."

The Challenge

I set myself the challenge of classic tv stuff using the alphabet list. It's tough.
A - Alvin and Chipmunks
B- Bagpuss or Bananman ...tough...think Bagpuss wins just for classicness
C- was going to say Clangers but Count Duckula so wins! Either that or Cookie Monster- who isn't allowed to eat cookies now(?)
D-Dinosaurs or Dangermouse
E- the only TV show I remember beginning with E is the Ewoks which was cool but I think I'd like to take a character spot with Elmo or Ernie. Probably Elmo cause he's so cute.
F- Fraggle Rock cause it...rocks! And also, Family Ness!
G-Garfield (and friends)
H-Hong-Kong Phooey. Oh my. I loved that show!
I-Inspector gadget.
J-Jetsons Or Jon Arbuckle from Garfield
K-Kermit T. Frog
L-Lanolin the sheep from Garfield and Friends
M-Muppet Babies, Mr Benn
N-Nanny from muppet babies- all we saw were her legs but she was still classic. She was also the lucky daughter. Or Nanny from Count Duckula "I'll get it!"
O-Oscar the grouch
P-Poddington peas or Penny Crayon
Q- Quick Draw McGraw
R-Roobarb and Custard, Racoons, Raggy Dolls (with the evil song "Look who's in the reject bin!")
S-Smurfs, Shoe People, Stoppit and Tidy up, SESAME STREET
T-Trap Door, Top Cat,Thundercats, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
U-Uncle "Traveling" Matt Fraggle
V-The only one I can think of is Velma from Scooby doo!
W-Wombels, Worzel Gummidge, Wacky races
X- I'm thinking I need to start my own cool show with characters with Xtremely weird names- X is impossible unless I include X-men!
Y-Yogi Bear or Yaffle, Professor Yaffle, the wooden bird from Bagpuss
Z-Zoe from Sesame street, Zebedee from magic roundabout

I'm quite impressed at the list!

Portrush and Puddles

In true Northern Ireland fashion a group of us - numbers 11 through 18- went on a trip to Portrush yesterday despite the weather predictions of "chance of sunshine, zero" and "high risk of thunder and lightning." You begin to expect rain here. I should buy sensible rain shoes- do they exist?

It was a good day. Never been so thankful for Barrys. The happiest place on earth- well it is when your other option is the becoming a drowned rat who has a long train ride home. Was funny though cause we went on the Cyclone- Pam, Nicky, Melanie, Stephen and me. Obviously that's an odd number so Melanie, Stephen and I went on one as a three. I remember the ride being bigger. It didn't disappoint with speed or fun though- I laughed the entire time!

Then people decided to go on the dodgems. I figured I enough back problems without whiplash from that being added (though I am a good driver...though SOME people think I'm the person most likely to crash.)

Next was the ghost train. Michael decided we should scream the whole way round. Have to say Pam and Michael did scream the whole way round. Stephen did most of it. I screamed at one part that actually scared me and jumped at another- which is hilarious because that ride is so not scary. Glow in the dark plastic "scary" things. OOOH! Good for comic value though.

Then we went on the Satellite. Have to say I love it! I used to always walk in and think that I'd love to go on and not be scared and I wasn't this time, though I did scream. Was class though and I got to laugh with Pam! YAY!

We spent quite a bit of time around the machines and some people went on the Carousel but it was making me sick just looking at it. Then we went for a little walk and got more wet. My feet were frozen by the end of it. I also never want to see a "claw" machine again- guess Toy Story is out then.

The train ride home was so fun. After playing Trivial pursuit- Genus (?) edition, and me feeling really dumb, we played I spy with my pretend eye! The person saying the I spy part says what letter it is and then everyone comes up with something beginning with that letter that we'd like to spy and the best one wins. It's so much more fun than the real game! I won on the letter P, which is quite fitting seeing as my name begins with it, with the suggestion of the Poddington Peas. How cool were they? Was trying to think up cool tv things for each letter- A would be Alvin and the chipmunks definitely! Could take forever to make the list. Maybe that'll be my next blog- just to show you how much time I have on my hands due to being sick and needing rest!

Anyway, it was a great day and thanks to Stephen for organising it, inviting me and answering to "daddy" all day long. I never did catch on to that. Think that's a good thing.

Anyway, I'm still sick (3 weeks now!) and I'm tired, which makes sense cause it's like midnight. I'm going to go sleep. Hope you are all well! xo.

The Circus- that is life

I don’t know what to look at first,
The juggling, the clowns or the high wire.
Everything seems to happen at once,
Engulfed in the smoke from the ring of fire.

The juggling balls go up and down,
The clowns run past with their smiling frowns,
The high wire shakes as she looks to the ground,
While laughing and screaming goes on all around.

A juggling ball slips from the hand,
A clown trips over and lands in the sand,
She slips from the wire, in a net she lands,
A loud gasp resounds from throughout the stands.

The world stops but the colours still surge,
Fear instils and chaos unfurls,
Inside everything crashes and burns,
On the surface she’s a composed girl.

Ow, my head hurts!

This is going to be quick update!

Saturday actually went well. I was really nervous and my Aunt Lilian made me change most of the keys so they were lower. Lucky I studied music for so long! One of the keys was way too low though, and they all sang at different speeds. Was kinda funny, but still really annoying cause they weren't keeping with me. Really wish I'd had a microphone!

Yesterday I was singing in church. Haven't sang in ages. Not sure I enjoyed the morning service too much cause Simon was totally disorganised. The evening was amazing though. At one stage we had a 4part harmony cause Nicki, Brian and I were doing harmony while Glenn and Elaine sang the main melody. Was so cool to be a part of it. Then Jill was so sweet and came over and told me she loved my harmony- she does that every single time I sing! I love her!

Today I went to Lady Dixon's to play ultimate frisbee with my CSSM friends. So dangerous. Our team was winning 5 to 3. Surprising cause the other team really was better, but I think they were showing off. Either that or we were just lucky! We decided to have a break and most of us just sat and chatted. A few went to the ice cream van. When they came back, Natasha and I were talking and I made a passing comment that it would be funny to pour water down Gareth's back. Natasha took my water bottle and did just that. So then Gareth gets up and grabs me bottle of water. I grabbed his arm so he wouldn't be able to soak me without getting soaked too. I think he was impressed with my grip! Then I tried to take the bottle of him but it was open and he had it directed right at me so we both got soaked. I kicked him and he let go though.

So then we started playing again- everyone very into the game. Gareth had the frisbee and I was going to intercept, and I did manage it. Not exactly how I planned. I got hit on the forehead, from less than a meter away. I actually have a bump! I think it's going to bruise! I've never been so glad to have a fringe!

After that Naomi and I ran for the same frisbee. I went over on my ankle and she hurt her toe! I'm a disaster. Don't think I should be allowed to play any more!

I'm feeling a whole lot better about everything at the moment. I felt like there was a part of me missing, and I thought that was America. Obviously I miss it like crazy, but I thought the only way I could survive was there. I'm so glad when you land in the safety net after you take a risk!

Oh, I was told I should post some poetry, so the next post will be a random entry of my choice of poem...which to pick?

Simply summer

It's been forever since I've last updated. I've had the feeling that this is simply a blog for my time in America but I guess now that I'm home the experience isn't over...

So it's summer! Yay. Except I had to get a job. Yuck. Only worked two days and then was off a week for cssm though.

I remember going into CSSM and thinking "What am I doing?" I had thought after last year that I would not be doing it this year. I figured that after spending an entire 10 months in America doing somewhat of an extended CSSM, that I wouldn't need to do it this year, but I couldn't help but be sucked back in. Helped by the fact that I had Natasha, Gareth, Neil and Jayne talking me into it. I got my mum to send off my forms and figured that if they went through then I was meant to be on the team this year.

Well it was an experience! We started up on Saturday 30th July with a day of team building. Craziness more like. We did some sensible stuff, like talk about how to lead a small group and child protection info, and then of course had to make a toy or an item for the home with junk. Not only did we have to come up with the product, we also had to have an advertisement and jingle! It was hilarious.

Our team decided to make a jet pack. It could take you into space and underwater. It looked like noo-noo from the tellytubbies! Our song was based on the oompa- loompas! It was so funny. We also had a "science bit" with Dr. Dave telling us all the necessary babble that no one understood but still found highly amusing. So our team won!

Then we finally got into what we were really meant to be doing. I was signed up for worship and really it wasn't as bad I was expecting. I still suck at guitar, but they are 4-7 year olds so they're like "ooooh, guitar...."

I had the best small group ever though. Thirteen 4 year olds. Not only did they listen to the story once, they also listened to me read it from the NIV bible again to them. They knew most of the answers to the questions and then they prayed with me! They rock. Bethany drew a picture of me and told me it was because she loved me! How cute is that?

Anyway, the week went well. Weird that it was only a week. I think I got a whole lot out of it. Even though I didn't feel I was meant to be there, God showed up. I also made new friends, one in particular is Laura. She's amazing. It's odd how well we connect. I think I'd be lost without her. It was also good to see my old friends. Of course I missed my best CSSM friend Jenny. It's weird how we're only friends at CSSM really- but we are inseparable at CSSM!! And also Gingus, who is now know as Crunch but I'm going to call him Gareth. It was cool to have him doing the same section cause even though we were friends before, we never really had time to get to know each other before.

So I've been sick the past two weeks. Not fun. I went out for lunch on Tuesday, then to the doctors, then out to dinner and then to Jayne's house for a video night. Yesterday I felt like I was going to die. I really did over do it!

So I'm not finished being stretched. I've already done a bit through CSSM and this Saturday I've been asked to play guitar at the women's morning. Apparently there's a lack of musical women in my church- which I don't believe is true. I think they all just don't want to let on they are musically talented. Ah well. I won't be playing for them or me, so as long as I try my best and worship rather than pay attention to all the people, then I'm sure God will be pleased!

Hope you are all well. I need to go lie down now!! xo.

Home is where the heart is

I already feel bad enough for not updating- so don't shout at me!

It's just really hard to write all this. Reliving the memories. It's a bad sign when I get upset with reading my previous entry.

So I'm home. Have been for a while. I guess I have to go back a few weeks to update you..

Thursday 30 th June
Leaving day. Everything went wrong. I didn't have to leave until the afternoon so I had some time just to chill and get everything together. Charlie called and said he was swamped with over due paper work and so couldn't come to the airport. I nearly broke into tears on the phone. I did get to go visit him and Marge and Eva at home so that was nice. Hard to say goodbye though. They are part of my family.

Two hours later, and a movie of course in the car, I was at Orlando Airport. During check in I found out that my flight in London arrived at Gatwick and took off from Heathrow. Can you imagine how stressed out I was? I think the guy noticed cause he gave Dawn a pass to let her walk me to the gate. Thank goodness.

I did have to take 9 pounds out of one of my suitcases. We managed to smuggle it into hand luggage. I really did have way too much hand luggage! When we got to security I couldn't even get my laptop out cause the zip had broken (probably from over packing) so the guy cut my bag! So much stress.

I finally calmed down and we went to get something to eat. I thought plane food was bad! Then we walked to the gate. So hard to say goodbye to Dawn and Becca. I couldn't even say goodbye cause I was crying so much. I'm glad that I still hear from them, but it's tough not hearing their voices every day or seeing their smiling faces (some of the time in Becca's case.)

So I got on the plane. The first flight was ok, except that I cried the entire time. I listened to music on my iPod and looked out the window. Odd how looking out the window and watching the clouds was comforting to me. Normally I'm too scared to look out the window. I think the fact that I felt closer to God cause of how beautiful it was, made it easier or something.

Second flight was a rush to get to. I couldn't get my hand luggage to fit in the overhead compartment so I had to rearrange more stuff and then ask a nice guy to help me. Damsel in distress! Then the wee woman that was sitting beside started talking to me. And then a really cute, but puzzled guy, walked up. He must have been a French tennis player! Apparently the little old lady (82 year old who was traveling alone without her glasses) was meant to be in 35D not 19F. Darn, the cute guy was a gentleman too and told her she could stay put. Guess it's a good thing cause I wouldn't have wanted him to see me asleep!

The wee lady was lovely though. She talked all the time and offered to buy me wine. Guess it's cause I let her put hand luggage at my feet, oh and I filled in her customs declaration cause she was blind without her glasses! Apparently the limo driver rushed her and so she left them sitting on the kitchen table.

The flight was delayed for an hour due to the thunder and lightning, which I already knew about cause I landed in it during the other flight. We finally took off for our 8 hour flight. I managed to sleep like 4 hours even though there was an evil bright light above my head. I ate some breakfast-force fed myself- and then the plane landed and I started into the craziest part of my journey.

I arrived at the airport and got money out to buy a bus ticket to Heathrow. I also attempted to buy water with all the change I had in the world and managed to get sparkling. EUGH. By 1 o'clock I was on the bus and talking to my brother on the phone. He got in touch with BMI and found out I needed to be checked in 40 minutes before my flight took off. One hour and forty minutes left until that.

I arrived at Heathrow at 2:30 pm. Ten minutes left! The journey was quite pleasant as I chatted with a girl who was going to New York.

I managed to get all my luggage onto another trolley and pushed with all my might to wait for the lift. Once I got off the lift all my luggage fell off! So after re-organising I kept on pushing. If you've ever been in Heathrow you'll know that there are ramps from the bus station to the terminal. They are steep when you are pushing a trolley with two suitcases (both 32 kg) one carry on suitcase (apparently 20 kg!!!) and then a few little extra things.. I've learnt my lesson about traveling light! I was there for 10 months though. I think that's quite impressive. Anyway, I pushed the stupid thing up like 5 ramps, got on another lift, finally got to the desk 5 minutes late.

Thankfully they let me on, with a little bit of reorganising of stuff cause apparently the other suitcase weighed too much this time! When did it gain weight?

When I was onboard I thought I was going to die. So happy to be sitting, but I really was tired and SO hot. Sitting beside me was a Queens Medical student. I think she just graduated. She was so lovely and I couldn't have been happier to have her beside me. On the other side there was a guy who never spoke, but that's ok. The plane was delayed taking off so I decided to rest my head. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until we were landing in Belfast! After another fight with my luggage and a trolley, I finally handed it over to my sister and then collapsed in the car!

In some ways I'm glad to be home. I've met up with lots of people- Natasha, Vicky, Nicky, Pam, some more people at S:M, Neil, Jenny, Hassan, Stephen, Jayne... It's been hectic, but good to keep busy. I've been missing my host family and many friends in Florida. It truly is a second home. I can't wait to go back and visit. Obviously I will be packing as little as possible and I hope to have a companion cause there's nothing worse than travelling alone. Maybe I'll get to go to Saddleback again next year too!

I'm glad to have my sister L-J home for holiday in Jamaica. I missed her terribly. We have a really good connection, having shared a room for 15 years.

Anyway, I could write more but this is already overload! I promise to keep you updated even though I'm technically not "at USA" anymore! I will need to talk about the complications of being home and being homesick at the same time.

Eva the explorer. Charlie must seem like a mountain to her! 

Her first shopping trip...to Walmart? 

Little Eva Rachel Charles. 

So long, farewell..

The reason it feels like forever since I last wrote is because it has been forever!

June has been hectic. The first week or so was spent preparing for VBS (holiday bible school), which was so much fun. Going into it I was getting more and more freaked out as I realised what I'd actually signed up for. I think if I'd know all that was required of me as music director I never would have dreamed of saying yes!

So for an entire 5 days I went through the routine on Serengeti Trek...
I went to church early (as in like 4 in the afternoon!) and set up power point for the songs and for Middle high vbs.
Around 5.30 I'd help with registration, at least on the first day until we realised how little time I was going to have to eat! Then Elisa and I stood up at front and introduced the night by doing a funny skit. I'm still having trouble picturing myself standing in front of about 130 kids with a mic and a silly hat. I'm impressed I remembered the lines, though Elisa did have a lot more to say than me and she did have to do an impression of a crowned crane. Very funny.

Then Charlie thankfully helped me to lead songs and a few of the youth girls helped me with actions. Was so much fun standing at the front and being Ms. Perky (and for all teenstreet goers - I honestly believe I wasn't as creepy). Then the kids watched Chadder the chipmunk as I hobbled over to my room preparing for a night of music madness.

The kids arrived in groups for 20 minute sessions. I told them their bible point and treasure verse and of course led them in some songs. A couple of the kids really liked them, and I even got some of the way too cool 11 year olds to join in.

Interesting things I learned along the way- Zebras can tell each other apart by their stripes, Lions can talk with their tails, Elephants work even when they are walking by making paths for people.

The closing was taken on by Charlie and all I had to do was stand there and sing. A far easier task than having to remember lines!

It was a really fun experience. I did have a little bit of trouble throughout the week as my ankle was playing up but I think it was just more impressive!

Of course just before VBS little Eva Rachel Charles was born. She is the cutest thing ever. I'm glad that Charlie was able to separate himself from them for a few hours during the week cause I would not have wanted to have his job. It was worse than music director! I will upload pics of Eva for all those who have not seen her- and for those who have, you can never see enough.

Last week was a week of play. We went to the mall and made "build a bears" (Becca and I have twin bears) and went to the Rapids Water Park. I loved the water park. The slides were so cool! I loved spending time with Kathy and Becca. I'm going to miss them a lot but I do have some really good memories to take home with me.

Last night was my goodbye thing at church. We had a chicken potluck and then Charlie winged a program. How appropriate. He asked if anyone wanted to share anything and so many people did. People also came up afterwards to tell me stuff face to face. I got so many presents (don't these people know I have no space left in my cases?), which was so sweet. THE BEST PRESENT EVER was the memories book. It's amazing. So many people contributed letters and pictures. I don't think I'll ever be able to read through it without crying, and of course smiling, at all the beautiful people who wanted to tell me that I'm loved. Yeh, I'm loved! How cool is that?

Of course the night was all about me, and how can you not have a night about me without "forcing" me to sing in front of everyone? I did enjoy it though I was crying when they dragged me up front. Is it really fair to put someone on the spot to sing when they are all choked up? Apparently it still sounded good even though I totally forgot the lines at one point. Karaoke is so much easier!

Today was tough. I went to lunch with Molly and Bailey and little Brigette. We had such a laugh just hanging out. Then we went bowling. Such an odd mix- 8 year old Brigette who never once didn't have bumpers, me with really only fluke on my side, Molly with her old average of 145, and Bailey. Scary Bailey. She nearly dropped a bowling ball on her foot! And then she threw the ball behind her!

It was so much fun being with them and singing along in the car. I'll miss them dearly. Saying goodbye was tough. I felt like just walking away from it. I hope and pray that I'll see them soon. I know they are dying to come visit me so I can show them what it's really like at home.

And home I will be soon enough. I'm not looking forward to many other sad goodbyes this week but the love I've felt here will go with me no matter where I go. Port St Lucie will always be a place close to my heart- and the church with the lighthouse on the corner will always be like home to me.

LET ME OUT! 

My little sis Kathy.