Beauty

I watched supersize vs superskinny last night and once again scared myself. I wonder sometimes if I don't have a tendency towards the eating disorder side of things. Not that I have an eating disorder. I like eating most of the time and I make sure I eat at least my main meals. But sometimes I do seem to have strange habits with food.

I have a strange thing about not liking using a tablespoon to eat breakfast or dessert or a yoghurt. It has to be a tea spoon. (Yoghurt is a very strange word if you look at it too long).

I also can never finish a glass of juice/milk/water at breakfast. It doesn't matter how much I pour out or what it is, I just can't finish it. It drove my mum mad when I was at home.
I also have a bit of a secret eating thing- like I feel very put out if I have planned to be at home for lunch on my own and someone comes home. Like I don't want them to see what I was eating. And yesterday I bought a salad in M&S and they didn't give me a bag so I had to carry it through the shop and I kept thinking "people are going to see what I'm eating!" Which is stupid because a) no one cares, b) it's a salad, and c) I wasn't necessarily buying it for myself.

I do think about food a lot- and I compare my portions in work to other people. My best friend in work is a really fast eater and it completely puts me off as I always finish after her. It makes me feel like I've been a pig or something.

I think it all started after the evil ex episode. After all the horrible stuff and the break up I went through a phase of only really eating when I had to- and the rest of the time trying to not be sick. I often felt faint and I fell down the stairs once because of it. That's when I started to force feed myself. And now it's just habit. I still get hungry at times and have food cravings- which is the only thing that's making me feel normal and gives me hope that I'm not going to fall any further towards an eating disorder. But I can see me going off food if I get upset so I just have to keep that in mind.

And I think I could start to go down the calorie counting, exercise route. Not that I like exercise, but I do tally things off in my mind at times and try and get rid of guilt by going for walks. I would consider myself a normal weight, but slightly heavier than I would like - and I do have a fear that my weight will increase out of my control.

I really do sound mad. And not in the good way.