Blue

I was in such a bad mood tonight.

I met Emily for coffee today-the chat itself was great. She's volunteering at my church this year- and she's from America. We're kinda like opposites and yet completely the same. We've been challenging each other a lot. My challenge is to like me.

We were talking about how odd it is that we are LOVED by GOD and yet we still seek acceptance. The God of all creation loves us but we feel the need to dress in the right clothes, say the right things to be loved by people. It's a human condition to crave love and acceptance- something put in us by God I believe cause He wants us to seek him. And yet I seek love from friends, guys- anyone who I believe doesn't HAVE to love me. Even a stranger walking down the street.

I go to the bother of deciding what clothes I'm going to wear the night before. I stick little pieces of plastic to my eyes so I don't have to wear glasses and I spend a least 5 minutes every morning applying make-up that I highly doubt anyone can see- but it makes me feel better. I guess it makes me like every other human.

Some day I think I might just wear odd socks- clothes that really don't match or suit me- or perhaps just a silly hat. Or I'll put bright pink streaks in my hair. Or maybe I'll do the ironic thing of being gothic to be different and yet look like everyone else.

I think it's part of the reason I'd like to be five again. You should see some of the pictures of me from then! I wore the brightest colours, with frills and ruffles and pretty much everything and anything girly! I also had a fab pair of pink plastic sunglasses for the summer! Also, when I was 5 I didn't care about guys (though I did have a "boyfriend") or whether or not I was studying the right subject- or even if I was living the correct way. I was just living. Enjoying every day and everything it offered. I was excited to get out of bed!

I think that's part of the reason why I want to be a good mother. I want my children to experience the feeling of innocence and secure happiness for as long as possible-which is difficult in a world that's full of hatred and terror.

I guess I long for a child like faith too. One that just knows that I'm loved by God instead of wondering why He would ever think of me. I'm so glad that my dad was so good to me growing up because my favourite image of God is Him as a Father.

I'm tired now. Falling asleep as I type. I'm also babbling, so I'm going to go now! Night xo.