Queens CU Preterm

I'm just back from Queens CU preterm and it was cool! I met SO many people. Was slightly daunting, but still really good. I think I'll probably just randomly bump into a lot of them cause no one else is studying chemistry so I won't be in their small group, and CU big gatherings have like 500 people there so I doubt I'll see them regularly.

The speaker Dave (I do know his last name but I'm running on like 4 hours sleep last night- which is a lot, but not when you had two nights previously with not enough sleep, plus I like sleep and it helps me function.), anyway, yes, he was cool. He was really quite inspirational and I did feel like he was talking just to me so much.

He works in City Church and is so excited about their coffee shop. He talked a lot about his work there and previously in youth groups. He also talked a lot about his family,and showed finding nemo clips! He's been married to Jill for about 6 years and they have two gorgeous children- Mia, who's 2 and a half, and Chi (pronounce Ki and short for Malachi) is 9 months old. They were so cute and really not all that put off by the large group of people.

Anyway, I wrote down a lot and thought I'd share some of that. It really is amazing to think that even as the world was being created, our lives were known and significant. No longer can we, as Christians, say we don't matter. God loves us so much He sent His son- who looked into a cup not only full of our sin, but God's wrath that we should have paid for and said "Not my will, but yours."

Dave was talking about when Jesus was praying and saying if someone had been there and asked him why he would go through with all that distress, he might say that he would never want to see the pain that was in his eyes in ours. I just thought that was amazing. I very often get freaked out by things- not to as great a distress as that, but I do hold onto a lot of stuff. One of those things is death, but really death has lost it's sting. The devil has no power- and in fact we can make him cower in fear by God's power. It's kind of amazing to think about it all.

A lot of my devotions and the talks focused on how God needs to be "always before me."
Psalm 16:8-11
⁸ I keep the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. ⁹ Therefore my heart is glad, and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, ¹⁰ because you will not abandon me to the grave nor will you let your Holy One see decay. ¹¹ You have made known to me the path of life; you fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

It really made me think about when the last time my heart was truly glad or my tongue rejoiced. Am I really giving it all to God? Do I fully believe that I'm keeping Him always before me and therefore shall not be shaken?

I think I'm in the habit of self-reliance, or reliance on other humans. Sometimes it's good to rely on others- like Jesus in flesh- but I read yesterday in my devotion "unless we have complete confidence in God how can we live as a joyous child?" I have total faith in God's ability to do anything. All things are possible. It's just sometimes I question why He would want to do that for me. I do need to remind myself that to God, I'm significant.

I was thinking also that I might be seeking to be 5 (cause being 5 would rock!) in body, mind, heart and spirit. To be free of all the burden, not because it doesn't exist, but because God alone is my rock and salvation, He is my fortress and I will not be shaken. I want to live in total dependence of God. I want to trust in God with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding- cause if I trust myself I'll end up flat on my face. Only God can make my path straight.

It's like a real loving relationship (or so I'm told) that you have to be vulnerable. When you are in love with someone you are automatically vulnerable because that person has the power to destroy you. I think that's a lesson to me, that you can't love and be protected- in relationships with spouses and in the marriage with God. I can't hold back from God and be ashamed- cover up- because apart from the fact God can see all, I need to be fully vulnerable with God. Apart from anything who else is going to love me unconditionally?

But the cool thing is that God does love us unconditionally- and pure love casts out fear. If we are in a situation where we might be rejected by others we can still step back and say "that's ok" because no matter what God loves us and is for us.

Our souls cannot relax and remain untroubled until we are convinced of the love and goodness of God. And no matter how it may seem that God doesn't love us through all the many things that are happening in our mixed up world- such as Hurricanes and Tsunamis- we need to believe that God is a just loving God who is perfect and therefore right in the way that He manages His creation. It's not like a kid playing with ants and a magnifying glass, it's like a father who sends us children out to play. If one of them gets hurt it's not the father's fault or intention, but he's there for his offspring, to comfort and love. The world isn't always perfect, but it seems brighter when there's someone who's always there.

Ok, so this seems very disjointed because it was thoughts spread three days, but the most important point is that I want to acknowledge God in all I do. It's a big challenge, especially with all the other things going on, but to quote my friend Cathay (substituting Chemistry for Pharmacy)
"I want to leave Queens knowing more about God than I do about Chemistry."