It has been a very long time since I felt at all inspired to write a blog. I'm not sure I am now, but we'll see how it goes.

I have two big things on my mind at the moment- one is happy and one is sad.

I suppose I should get the sad over. On Boxing Day we lost a dear friend, Pat. She was my mum's cousin's wife and over the past two years since her husband died she has been spending a lot of time with my family. I can't imagine what any special occasion will be like without her. She was the kind of person who would do anything for anyone and would always make time if you needed her. She always had a kind word to say and she will be missed. My nanny will be especially lost without her.

The funeral is tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it- not that anyone does, but I'm terrible at funerals. I cry at funerals of people I don't know, never mind those I do. I'm just a wreck- and I'll be even more so as my boyfriend won't be able to come hold my hand. I'm going to go get as many hugs from him as possible tonight to help me cope tomorrow.

My boyfriend is my other thought- my good thought. Recently I've just noticed how much he understands me. He doesn't always get it right, and quite often he really winds me up, but I love him and I'd be lost without him.

I was looking on my blog dashboard today and found I had a few comments on my blog- apparently I have to moderate them now. I must have chosen to do that at some point.

Anyway, I had a response to a blog I wrote about seeking revenge. It may have sounded quite harsh, and completely out of character for me. It IS out of character for me. I really don't believe in revenge, and I don't like to see other people hurting, but there are a few people who need to learn some lessons about how to treat other people. I'm not sure if them having done onto them that they have done to others would help, but it would be nice for them to see things from a different perspective. To know what it's like to feel as their victim did. Perhaps they could not only realise that it was horrible way to act, but also consider how the victim would feel now- would they really want to have any contact?

I'm ranting. I suppose it's because I really want to write the full story but know that I can't.

Graduation

And yet it's so much more than my last post. I get defensive over my illness. I can't help it. It's all I have. People look at me and think I'm fine- that there's nothing wrong with me. I've had to fight for any respect I get over it. I've had to go for job interviews and say that I have a disability- that I might not make it in every day. I got "disciplined" in one job for my lack of attendance. I couldn't use their escalator and even though I tried to explain this, no one understood it. I even collapsed on the escalator once. Twisted my ankle, cut my leg and dropped a til unto the floor below. They still didn't understand.

And I try so hard to be nice. I really do. I try to understand everyone's perspective. Every little hurt that they might feel. But who understands me? Who actually cares that I can't live my life the way I want to any more? That I'm scared to go on holiday with my boyfriend because I know the plane is going to make too ill to leave the hotel. That I don't think I'm going to finish my degree because I can't keep up with all this work. And if I do finish I'll have a rubbish degree because I haven't been able to put my all into it.

I haven't put my all into very much these past 3 years and I hate it. I want to be able to volunteer with TinyLife and at my church's charity shop. And I want to be able to work a full 9-5 week without losing my voice or just calling in sick because I'm so tired I can't get out of bed. I want to go one weekend with my bf without having the dead leg freak out around him- or generally grumpiness from being so tired.

I want to be a normal 23 year old. I want to stay out past 2 in the morning. Be able to drink. To think that when I have kids I'm going to be able to keep up with them and not need more naps than they do.

I just want to be the old me.

Okay, so this all from the heart and no offence meant to anyone. I understand that everyone has troubles. And I would never say that my troubles outweigh any one else's. But this is my life. Welcome to it...

(Oh and I'm not complaining as such, I just want people to have a better understanding).

I have Chronic fatigue(CFS). And often vertigo (not a fear of heights). And bartter's syndrome. And some pain in my stomach that has been undergoing investigation for about a year but as yet has no defined cause.

Anyway, on any given day I'll most likely wake up in need of potassium (part of bartter's). I'll have pins and needles all through my body and quite often I'll lose all feeling in my feet and I'll have to move my legs with my arms and prop myself up along the walls until I get to the drugs. *Note to self- put drugs closer by.* This leg dead thing can happen at any point throughout the day and has occurred in university lectures, the cinema, in work.... Still scares the crap out of me and often I wonder how I'll make it home, especially if I've driven.

Oh and please, please, please don't tell me to eat a banana. A large banana contains about 400mg of potassium. I take 1800mg a day. I also takes drugs to help me hold onto the potassium. Otherwise I could eat my weight in bananas and still not feel any better as my body just chucks it out.

Also on any given day I may wake up with a "hangover"/"jetlag" feeling. An unshakable tiredness and fog in my brain as well as often pain throughout my body and the dreaded migraines. I've been known to fall asleep during study time (like today) and when I am awake I find it hard to concentrate and really take things in. I think most people would struggle with chemistry and a hangover.

The most annoying thing about CFS is that there is no easy fix. You can't just have a greasy fry up or sleep it off. You're stuck with it. It could come any day, any time and the only person who can even tell there's something wrong with you is you because the stupid thing is invisible.

Vertigo is also an evil thing. Despite my CFS I have no choice but to take stairs - lifts make me so dizzy that I'll literally fall to the ground. Thankfully most of my other vertigo problems are under control, but on bad days you can imagine life with that constant feeling of just getting off a really fast roundabout or the waltzers. I also can't read black print on white paper, or drive on bad days so it is a problem for work and uni.

I think I'll stop ranting now and go and get some sleep. I hope I haven't come across as a moan. It's just the way life goes. I'm ever hopeful in a few years time I'll feel all better.

Another work of Banksy. It makes me giggle.

Am I wearing my mask today? Yes.
What does it say? That my world is fine and dandy and I can handle what you throw at me.
Is it slipping? Err... yes.

I'm pretty transparent I think. Most people know that I've been going nuts over my uni stuff, that I'm not feeling 100% and that I don't always like myself. Or some other people despite my happy, charming, "I'm so nice" mask. I am nice. I like being nice. But some people I'd quite like to go kick and punch because it would make me feel better. But I'm not sure they're actually worth the time and effort.

Is it wrong to wish bad things on "bad" people? I suppose I shouldn't be judging them. Especially since I'd hate to be judged. But what of those who have hurt me personally. Who seem to have gone out of their way to cut me, bruise me, bring me down?

I don't want to seek out my own revenge, but I wouldn't be upset if they were treated the same way I was.

Graffiti by Banksy.

What I made today in uni. Not quite a photograph, but I'm proud of it.

Is it bad to have morbid thoughts? Not that I want to die or anything, but to see a bus and think- hmm, maybe I could break a leg or something?

That's how much I want to avoid this presentation. Crazy! It's only worth 10 marks and only my supervisor will have any clue what I'm talking about. I'm just not a talker.

Singer maybe, as a duet, but not a talker.

I went to speech therapy recently in the hopes of not losing my voice as often. I used to lose it every other week. Once for an entire month. I was mocked quite a lot by my family and it wasn't very helpful for catching up with friends or working. At speech therapy I was given a few breathing techniques and methods of bringing my voice up from my throat to my face so I minimised scratching. I also had some proper therapy- as in part of my voice loss was in my head.

I had some ridiculous fears of talking in groups of people- even my friends. I felt like I had nothing of value to say. And when I did think of some wise words, the moment had always past before I felt I could intrude into the conversation. So I began to avoid big groups. And then mid size groups. And then small groups. Finally I was making up excuses constantly to not see people. I was often sick so that helped, but it was no way to live.

And then there were times when I worried my voice wouldn't appear. If it happens often enough you end up believing if always will. Like when I answered the telephone. I've never felt very comfortable with them and I am quite softly spoken, but I would always struggle to get "hello" out. I'd talk but nothing would come out. It was quite frustrating and not very practical for my job.

Now I think I've gotten over most of my fears and misconceptions, but I do have concerns about bigger things. Like presentations. Imagine that.

In some ways it would be quite nice to lose my voice next week- but I also want it over with for Easter break, even though I don't feel confident with the topic or generally given a presentation.

I wish I had something to hide behind. Something that made it okay that I don't measure up when it comes to my theoretical project that makes no sense to me. In a way I just don't want to let my supervisor down. And I don't want to make a fool of myself. I can be completely honest here, but in a place like university I don't want anyone to see through me. To find out that I'm not clued up, that I'm making all this up and that if I really felt I had a choice I'd be in Madagascar by now.

I've decided that double yellow lines are a pain. That and spaces which are only just too small for my car. It's such a challenge to park near university, but I suppose if there were more spaces available I'd still be fighting for them.

As I was taking a little walk through the park at lunch I came across a lot of bikes. One which really stood out. I haven't ridden a bike in a long time, and I'm pretty sure the unpredictable N.I weather would put me off riding it most days, but it is still pretty. And would save me parking stress.

Today I started my new blog technique of taking a picture during the day- I took a few more than one though.


I had another normal day in work- doing lots of little computer jobs. I'd like to have one big project to work on again, but I suppose any work is better than no work.

Throughout my time in this job I have developed a bit of a tea dependency. It's because they don't mind how often I go and put the kettle on - in fact my boss encourages it quite often. It's a terrible thing really. I'm beginning to wonder how I'll survive work without tea. I've tried to cut down and try and drink other things. Today I discovered a herbal tea in the cupboard so I thought I would try it.



Cranberry, Raspberry & Elderflower

Cranberry is reputed to have detoxifying properties. We have blended fragrant elderflower and the sweet flavour of raspberry, to make a refreshing and reviving drink for any time of day.

Sounds like it might even be good for me. The main attraction for me was the colour though. It makes a lovely pinky red.



I doubt it'll be an every day thing- I'm pretty sure it's something I could get sick of. And I'm back on the regular caffeine filled stuff to get through my uni work tonight!