Is it bad to have morbid thoughts? Not that I want to die or anything, but to see a bus and think- hmm, maybe I could break a leg or something?

That's how much I want to avoid this presentation. Crazy! It's only worth 10 marks and only my supervisor will have any clue what I'm talking about. I'm just not a talker.

Singer maybe, as a duet, but not a talker.

I went to speech therapy recently in the hopes of not losing my voice as often. I used to lose it every other week. Once for an entire month. I was mocked quite a lot by my family and it wasn't very helpful for catching up with friends or working. At speech therapy I was given a few breathing techniques and methods of bringing my voice up from my throat to my face so I minimised scratching. I also had some proper therapy- as in part of my voice loss was in my head.

I had some ridiculous fears of talking in groups of people- even my friends. I felt like I had nothing of value to say. And when I did think of some wise words, the moment had always past before I felt I could intrude into the conversation. So I began to avoid big groups. And then mid size groups. And then small groups. Finally I was making up excuses constantly to not see people. I was often sick so that helped, but it was no way to live.

And then there were times when I worried my voice wouldn't appear. If it happens often enough you end up believing if always will. Like when I answered the telephone. I've never felt very comfortable with them and I am quite softly spoken, but I would always struggle to get "hello" out. I'd talk but nothing would come out. It was quite frustrating and not very practical for my job.

Now I think I've gotten over most of my fears and misconceptions, but I do have concerns about bigger things. Like presentations. Imagine that.

In some ways it would be quite nice to lose my voice next week- but I also want it over with for Easter break, even though I don't feel confident with the topic or generally given a presentation.

I wish I had something to hide behind. Something that made it okay that I don't measure up when it comes to my theoretical project that makes no sense to me. In a way I just don't want to let my supervisor down. And I don't want to make a fool of myself. I can be completely honest here, but in a place like university I don't want anyone to see through me. To find out that I'm not clued up, that I'm making all this up and that if I really felt I had a choice I'd be in Madagascar by now.