What I made today in uni. Not quite a photograph, but I'm proud of it.

Is it bad to have morbid thoughts? Not that I want to die or anything, but to see a bus and think- hmm, maybe I could break a leg or something?

That's how much I want to avoid this presentation. Crazy! It's only worth 10 marks and only my supervisor will have any clue what I'm talking about. I'm just not a talker.

Singer maybe, as a duet, but not a talker.

I went to speech therapy recently in the hopes of not losing my voice as often. I used to lose it every other week. Once for an entire month. I was mocked quite a lot by my family and it wasn't very helpful for catching up with friends or working. At speech therapy I was given a few breathing techniques and methods of bringing my voice up from my throat to my face so I minimised scratching. I also had some proper therapy- as in part of my voice loss was in my head.

I had some ridiculous fears of talking in groups of people- even my friends. I felt like I had nothing of value to say. And when I did think of some wise words, the moment had always past before I felt I could intrude into the conversation. So I began to avoid big groups. And then mid size groups. And then small groups. Finally I was making up excuses constantly to not see people. I was often sick so that helped, but it was no way to live.

And then there were times when I worried my voice wouldn't appear. If it happens often enough you end up believing if always will. Like when I answered the telephone. I've never felt very comfortable with them and I am quite softly spoken, but I would always struggle to get "hello" out. I'd talk but nothing would come out. It was quite frustrating and not very practical for my job.

Now I think I've gotten over most of my fears and misconceptions, but I do have concerns about bigger things. Like presentations. Imagine that.

In some ways it would be quite nice to lose my voice next week- but I also want it over with for Easter break, even though I don't feel confident with the topic or generally given a presentation.

I wish I had something to hide behind. Something that made it okay that I don't measure up when it comes to my theoretical project that makes no sense to me. In a way I just don't want to let my supervisor down. And I don't want to make a fool of myself. I can be completely honest here, but in a place like university I don't want anyone to see through me. To find out that I'm not clued up, that I'm making all this up and that if I really felt I had a choice I'd be in Madagascar by now.

I've decided that double yellow lines are a pain. That and spaces which are only just too small for my car. It's such a challenge to park near university, but I suppose if there were more spaces available I'd still be fighting for them.

As I was taking a little walk through the park at lunch I came across a lot of bikes. One which really stood out. I haven't ridden a bike in a long time, and I'm pretty sure the unpredictable N.I weather would put me off riding it most days, but it is still pretty. And would save me parking stress.

Today I started my new blog technique of taking a picture during the day- I took a few more than one though.


I had another normal day in work- doing lots of little computer jobs. I'd like to have one big project to work on again, but I suppose any work is better than no work.

Throughout my time in this job I have developed a bit of a tea dependency. It's because they don't mind how often I go and put the kettle on - in fact my boss encourages it quite often. It's a terrible thing really. I'm beginning to wonder how I'll survive work without tea. I've tried to cut down and try and drink other things. Today I discovered a herbal tea in the cupboard so I thought I would try it.



Cranberry, Raspberry & Elderflower

Cranberry is reputed to have detoxifying properties. We have blended fragrant elderflower and the sweet flavour of raspberry, to make a refreshing and reviving drink for any time of day.

Sounds like it might even be good for me. The main attraction for me was the colour though. It makes a lovely pinky red.



I doubt it'll be an every day thing- I'm pretty sure it's something I could get sick of. And I'm back on the regular caffeine filled stuff to get through my uni work tonight!

I think I'm finally feeling a bit more normal.

I think emotional breakdowns are healthy (car breakdowns not so much but that's a whole other story). I've been trying to convince myself that life is great, but there are always cracks underneath. And then I go to the other extreme of wanting to run away from my life now- when I know there are things that I wouldn't give up.

I need to change my focus. I've been trying to concentrate fully on university, thinking that would make me work harder as I would have all the deadlines in my mind. I've found it's just made me stress out more. Now I'm going to have fun with ticking things off leaving me with just one thing to concentrate on.

The big things to tick off are my essays- 4200 words worth of me babbling that seemed to actually make sense to my sister. Impressive I think. Not to mention it added up to 17 pages with all the diagrams.

Talking of pages- I now have 17 pages for my 40 page report. Okay, I've got 23 pages left but I'm 17 pages closer to being done. Yay. And I do have some idea of what to write. I'm going to have another bash at it and my presentation tomorrow and if it's still a disaster I'll ask my supervisor for help on Thursday.

I'm ever hopeful that things will just fall into place. I need to survive another week and a bit and then I can breathe again.

I really should try and work on my last 23 pages now. I'll do it after a little blog- and possibly some chocolate.



I've been thinking about masks lately. I know I wear one every day. In the literal sense of make up and in the sense that I try and make out that I can cope with all this when I know I can't.

A put on smile does not take away the stress or sadness. A stiff upper lip, or a head held high does not mean I can battle through my life right now.

I had a bit of an emotional break down last night. Everything got to me. I've been trying to hold it all together, but it's unraveling.

Even though I've finished my essays I feel like I have a mountain to climb. I'm so tired from CFS, uni work and my job. I just want to sleep and forget that I have deadlines coming up and a presentation to completely bluff my way through.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have the mentality that I need to please everyone. I can speak my mind without losing my niceness. And yet I stay quiet. It's easier than causing troubles.

On the outside I'm composed, but inside I'm screaming.

Forgetter Be Forgotten

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Often times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the heck was that?'

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

A picture of me with my siblings.

Not one for the squeamish!


Woman swallowed whole by leopard


I thought it was fake too, until I saw the photo below. They had to cut the leopard's head off to let the woman escape.

She was unharmed .... Unbelievable!!


* CAUTION-

Photo follows....may be too frightening for some viewers

Scroll down

All I know for sure is my boyfriend is my best friend & I love him so much. He knows me & I know him.

I don't doubt that he's the one for me. It's not him, or us I'm unsure of.

You have to be a hopeful romantic. I have everything I could wish for, why seek more? That's the problem with the world. No one seems happy with what they have.

I like who I am. I like who I'm with. Every time I talk to my boyfriend I smile. He knows who I am and what I love.

Yes there's a risk involved- you might find the "one" later in life. Or you might move on and lose the "one".

People are often deluded as to what will make them happy. Myself included.

I met my boyfriend in the bread aisle. Do you think I was looking for love there?

I'm not sure I could describe it really. My heart jumped. Skipped a beat I guess.

He's very handsome, well dressed, confident..

He makes me believe in myself. That I'm beautiful. That I'm worthy of love.

I'm the lucky one. I've found someone I can trust, I can defend and I can love- and let love me.

Even if the worst happens, I'll know that I loved with all my heart. It's something everyone should do.

Gorgeous baby Aaron.

I am a lover of cheesy girly mags. I have no idea what the appeal is really, because for the most part I find them depressing. Firstly, I can't afford all the lovely things in them and secondly, all the girls in the magazine are thinner than me, have nicer clothes, prettier faces etc etc. Of course you really can't tell all that much from a picture.

They say a picture tells a thousand words, but no one ever said they were the truth.

And do I really want to live up to these people? Would I give up chocolate? Would I give up the extra half hour snuggled up in my bed to go for a run? Err... no. Though I could probably live on McDonalds and still end up looking better than I do now should someone take the time to touch up my picture.

I heard some little things to look out for about anorexia and they worried me. Which is probably a good sign. One thing was the choice of using a teaspoon rather than a dessert spoon. Which I tend to do. I don't know why. I also feel guilty when I eat food and no one is around. Am I strange?

Anyway- to "cure" me from my tendencies I have borrowed a few images to scare me straight. I hope they don't cause nightmares.





By Photographer of the year 2007 Andrzej Dragan

Sometimes I can’t see
Sometimes I just need to feel you near
And sometimes I lose myself
Sometimes I just disappear

Without you I’m not sure who I am
Without you I don’t know if I can understand
Why the world keeps spinning, why they keep on living
And they stop believing, and telling me I’ll never be
What you see in me

You saw something in me (Before I saw it in myself)
You’re there when I feel strong (And when I stumble and fall)
You always believe in me
You set me free

I’ve listened to the radio, talked to everyone I know, even read through books and magazines
To find the words to tell you, of my hopeful romantic view, though my world is falling down, ripped at the seams

With these hopeless metaphors, my heart just can’t ignore, that there’s nothing big enough to explain to you
That my heart beats just for you, that my waking thought is you and that every breath I take is in waiting... of you.

Nothing in this room has changed,
The coffee cup still rests,
There upon the mantelpiece,
The kitchen’s still a mess.

The cushions are askew,
Upon the leather suite,
The window is still broken,
Shattered glass beneath my feet.

And everything reminds me
Of a time that I once knew
A time when things seemed perfect
A time when I had you

But all our dreams are broken
Just like the broken glass
And not even the best of intentions
Could bring us back the past

So I’ll set you free
Like a bird to fly
I’ll set you free
But I’ll never say goodbye

I woke up this morning to the sound of the rain
And when I opened my eyes I saw that you were gone again
You left me a letter, pinned to the bedroom door
To tell me that you’d left for good, you don’t love me anymore
I wonder how you could go and throw it all away
The words you said the night before mean nothing to today

You said I was your everything and we would always be
Together forever, it would just be you and me
You filled my head with fantasies all the things I wished to hear
And before I could doubt it all you kissed away my fears
I gave you my heart but you broke it in two
But I’m taking back my life I won’t be seeing you.

Baby bump

A precious gift
Of purest love
A little treasure
Sent from above
No more a twinkle
In daddy’s eye
A babe to soothe
With lullaby
A hand to hold
A mouth to smile
A child to cradle
And all the while
The treasure grows within your heart
Cherishing each moment
Every part

Winter

The storm tears the flowers apart
As they strive to find the sun
In vain they stretch but soon lose heart
As the winter has begun

They sink down towards the ground
As their source of hope drifts away
Light and heat will not be found
And all colours fade to grey

Trees

The trees rustled as the wind blew through
The leaves twirled to the ground
The winter comes to bring through the new
Autumn colours shine all around

The shimmering colours of red, orange, gold
Throughout the forest lay
The wind turned from warm to cold
As the seasons changed day to day

Rose

Rose petals gently fall
Caressing her with a kiss
She’s wanted this forever now
And she’s finally got her wish

But even now her tears fall
She knows the winter will come
She can’t stay to witness the pain
So she turns her back on her love

The months pass, as she fears the worst
That her rose has lost his soul
Losing his petals saved him from the frost
And their love can again be whole

Lily

Flowers are growing
Strong and tall
The beauty of them shines
The seasons pass
The flowers wilt
But they’re forever mine

You look at me
But do you see
The value of my soul?
You trampled me
Into the ground
I am no longer whole

You built me up
To believe
You’d love me evermore
But that was a dream
A fantasy
I’m not forever yours

Charlie

I’m missing that smile,
The way you touched me deep inside,
I can still hear your voice,
It’s echoing through my mind.

The words that you shared,
The goodbye for which we weren’t prepared,
They’re now imprinted on my heart,
They were more than words I heard.

I can’t believe you’re gone now,
Across the ocean blue,
It’s not been long but you know I’m missing you.

You always knew what to say,
To turn my dark night into day,
You opened my eyes,
And showed me the way.

Even though you’re far away,
In my heart you will remain,
You’ll always have a place,
There you’ll always stay.

I can’t believe you’re gone now,
Across the ocean blue,
It’s not been long but you know I’m missing you.

Shadows

Calming a heart in a raging storm,
When the winds are high and strong,
Turning your feelings from cold to warm,
Learning your actions were wrong.

It’s all about learning to get along,
To be a friend not foe.
To forget the past, all that’s gone,
And let the colours flow.

Look to the sun, let the shadows fall,
Behind your back they hide,
Lift your head up high, stand tall,
Be assured with each strong stride

A New Day

The stars sparkled in the sapphire sky,
As a moonbeam shimmered through the trees,
The leaves crackled beneath our feet,
And the forest rustled in the breeze.

The flickering light played tricks with our minds,
And the darkness swarmed and surged.
Sounds came from within the woods,
But we could not be deterred

When the sun arose from beneath the vale,
The birds awakened the dawn,
The shadows and shapes came into the light,
And took on their true form.

Dandelion

The clouds part as beams of light shine down from heaven,
Onto the cracks in the ground,
The flowers shoot up through the chasm,
Though the roots cannot be found.

Though seen as weeds they are strong and survive,
Through the winds and rain they grow,
The people trample them down as they walk,
Not seeing the beauty below.

When pulled from their refuge they appear to be gone,
But below the ground they remain,
Soon to emerge anew through the cracks,
To look to the sun again.

The Circus

I don’t know what to look at first,
The juggling, the clowns or the high wire.
Everything seems to happen at once,
Engulfed in the smoke from the ring of fire.

The juggling balls go up and down,
The clowns run past with their smiling frowns,
The high wire shakes as she looks to the ground,
While laughing and screaming goes on all around.

A juggling ball slips from the hand,
A clown trips over and lands in the sand,
She slips from the wire, in a net she lands,
A loud gasp resounds from throughout the stands.

The world stops but the colours still surge,
Fear instils and chaos unfurls,
Inside everything crashes and burns,
On the surface she’s a composed girl.

Innocence

It has an unnatural glow,
A wispy haze as the frame,
I see myself having fun,
Running round and playing games.

And even when I fell,
And the gravel grazed my knee,
The sun still shone in the sky,
Because someone cared for me.

They came and dried my tears,
And held me in their arms,
I had no worries to tie me down,
I was safe from harm.

An email I received that I found interesting because of my degree...

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term. (I probably would have cried)

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

This is an older song that I sang in my bedroom and recorded on my computer. My friend Graeme (23Graeme23 on Twitter) added the guitar over my voice.

How to know you've been twitter too much-

-You have over 100 friends thanks to followfriday
-You know what followfriday is
-You've used followfriday to endorse someone else
-You've tweeting too much and they've cut you off for an hour
-You've downloaded tweetdeck so that you can beat the system and keep on tweeting
-You've personalised your tweetdeck

And my final thing (for now) is...
-You've had a dream about someone on twitter.

Just me then?

The twitter song. Loving it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYP-wBaqQAI

Check out this link-

http://www.connections-church.com/angel.htm

B-e-a-utiful :)

Why is it I always have the most inspiring thoughts at night, just after I've turned off the light (and shut down my computer). And then the next day my mind is blank, and I have absolutely no idea what that brilliant thought was last night. But I can remember my slightly disturbing dream that makes me worry just a little bit more about myself. Perhaps it came from the empty stomach I had? Either that or it was too much twitter yesterday.

Is it possible to have too much twitter?

Another of my covers, Artic Monkeys this time. And some smooth moves. Not from me though!

A video of me singing a song that makes me smile.

I've just called the university and been told to stay home. Somehow that doesn't make me feel better about missing yet another day.

Being ill is so frustrating. I have no control over it! Even the illness today, that is in part self inflicted. My prep for the scan, and the scan itself. I read up all about barium enemas before the scan- in part it helps, in another way it scared the crap out of me and made me not want to go. But I went in the hope that they can figure out what's wrong with me. Anyway, I read that the recovery time is quite short and people feel fine to go back to work the next day. So I went back to work. I should always remember- I AM NOT NORMAL!

Even my reaction after the scan wasn't normal- I couldn't stop myself from trying to be sick despite my stomach being completely empty. So they gave me an anti sickness injection, valoid. I guess the effects had worn off yesterday in work. Today I feel a little unsteady on my feet and like I've been punched in the stomach. Probably not the best conditions for attempting to get two buses to uni.

One thing that has made me smile is twitter. I joined a while ago, before it was popular and wondered what on earth the point was. Now I enjoy catching up on other people's lives and having brief conversations with them. I love looking at other people's blogs and photos and seeing what they find interesting and beautiful in the world. It makes things a little brighter and I feel less alone.

Though I know I'm not alone. My family have been quite supportive this week, as well as Paul and his family. My mum bought me special foods to make me feel like eating (I don't feel like eating today though) and my dad and brother have refrained from teasing me- my brother even offered me his seat last night. It's good they are so understanding of me being ill because I am so often.
And poor Paul is all stressed out at work but he still managed to make me smile (and laugh though that's not so good for my stomach).

Somehow I feel better after writing this, despite the pain in my stomach, the lack of appetite, the fact that I'm missing more uni and the stress of all the things I need to do in the next few weeks. I really should write in my blog more often. I still need people to poke me to do it though!