And yet it's so much more than my last post. I get defensive over my illness. I can't help it. It's all I have. People look at me and think I'm fine- that there's nothing wrong with me. I've had to fight for any respect I get over it. I've had to go for job interviews and say that I have a disability- that I might not make it in every day. I got "disciplined" in one job for my lack of attendance. I couldn't use their escalator and even though I tried to explain this, no one understood it. I even collapsed on the escalator once. Twisted my ankle, cut my leg and dropped a til unto the floor below. They still didn't understand.

And I try so hard to be nice. I really do. I try to understand everyone's perspective. Every little hurt that they might feel. But who understands me? Who actually cares that I can't live my life the way I want to any more? That I'm scared to go on holiday with my boyfriend because I know the plane is going to make too ill to leave the hotel. That I don't think I'm going to finish my degree because I can't keep up with all this work. And if I do finish I'll have a rubbish degree because I haven't been able to put my all into it.

I haven't put my all into very much these past 3 years and I hate it. I want to be able to volunteer with TinyLife and at my church's charity shop. And I want to be able to work a full 9-5 week without losing my voice or just calling in sick because I'm so tired I can't get out of bed. I want to go one weekend with my bf without having the dead leg freak out around him- or generally grumpiness from being so tired.

I want to be a normal 23 year old. I want to stay out past 2 in the morning. Be able to drink. To think that when I have kids I'm going to be able to keep up with them and not need more naps than they do.

I just want to be the old me.

Okay, so this all from the heart and no offence meant to anyone. I understand that everyone has troubles. And I would never say that my troubles outweigh any one else's. But this is my life. Welcome to it...

(Oh and I'm not complaining as such, I just want people to have a better understanding).

I have Chronic fatigue(CFS). And often vertigo (not a fear of heights). And bartter's syndrome. And some pain in my stomach that has been undergoing investigation for about a year but as yet has no defined cause.

Anyway, on any given day I'll most likely wake up in need of potassium (part of bartter's). I'll have pins and needles all through my body and quite often I'll lose all feeling in my feet and I'll have to move my legs with my arms and prop myself up along the walls until I get to the drugs. *Note to self- put drugs closer by.* This leg dead thing can happen at any point throughout the day and has occurred in university lectures, the cinema, in work.... Still scares the crap out of me and often I wonder how I'll make it home, especially if I've driven.

Oh and please, please, please don't tell me to eat a banana. A large banana contains about 400mg of potassium. I take 1800mg a day. I also takes drugs to help me hold onto the potassium. Otherwise I could eat my weight in bananas and still not feel any better as my body just chucks it out.

Also on any given day I may wake up with a "hangover"/"jetlag" feeling. An unshakable tiredness and fog in my brain as well as often pain throughout my body and the dreaded migraines. I've been known to fall asleep during study time (like today) and when I am awake I find it hard to concentrate and really take things in. I think most people would struggle with chemistry and a hangover.

The most annoying thing about CFS is that there is no easy fix. You can't just have a greasy fry up or sleep it off. You're stuck with it. It could come any day, any time and the only person who can even tell there's something wrong with you is you because the stupid thing is invisible.

Vertigo is also an evil thing. Despite my CFS I have no choice but to take stairs - lifts make me so dizzy that I'll literally fall to the ground. Thankfully most of my other vertigo problems are under control, but on bad days you can imagine life with that constant feeling of just getting off a really fast roundabout or the waltzers. I also can't read black print on white paper, or drive on bad days so it is a problem for work and uni.

I think I'll stop ranting now and go and get some sleep. I hope I haven't come across as a moan. It's just the way life goes. I'm ever hopeful in a few years time I'll feel all better.

Another work of Banksy. It makes me giggle.

Am I wearing my mask today? Yes.
What does it say? That my world is fine and dandy and I can handle what you throw at me.
Is it slipping? Err... yes.

I'm pretty transparent I think. Most people know that I've been going nuts over my uni stuff, that I'm not feeling 100% and that I don't always like myself. Or some other people despite my happy, charming, "I'm so nice" mask. I am nice. I like being nice. But some people I'd quite like to go kick and punch because it would make me feel better. But I'm not sure they're actually worth the time and effort.

Is it wrong to wish bad things on "bad" people? I suppose I shouldn't be judging them. Especially since I'd hate to be judged. But what of those who have hurt me personally. Who seem to have gone out of their way to cut me, bruise me, bring me down?

I don't want to seek out my own revenge, but I wouldn't be upset if they were treated the same way I was.

Graffiti by Banksy.