Rambling again

It feels so long since I last wrote down my thoughts. I suppose I feel embarrassed by them. Scared that I'm so lost. It hasn't helped that I've been trapped in my own mind whilst being sick. I haven't had the same amount of contact with my friends as I have in previous weeks.

I keep feeling like things are going to resolve themselves- that certain aspects of my life are going to fall into place like I've pictured them to be. I'm not completely naive. I know things take time. I know that other things just aren't meant to be, but it is tough when the plans I see for my life don't come remotely close to reality.

I think I need a better balance between planning and trusting in God. I know that I can't just leave it all to Him- I need to work at stuff, especially stuff about myself. I get so caught up in life that I forget who I'm living for. Especially when it comes to things I think I can control. There are certain things that I know are WAY too big for me to handle and I have no trouble handing them over, but things like relationships I'm still trying to figure out. Doesn't help that I'm struggling with my relationship with God. I think they play off each other. I get distracted and forget that God is key- and without God everything just falls apart and then I get mad at Him. I question how it's fair that people who don't even care that there is a one true God seem to have everything figured out and yet I can't even figure out if I want to do a 3 or 4 year course at uni.

Looking at it differently though, I don't think I can complain really. God has blessed me with so much. The fact that I have to make decisions about uni is a big sign to that. I know that God has gifted me with a mind that can analyse and also be creative.

I feel like I'm rambling and that I'm really not collecting my thoughts!

Holidays

So I've now been on holiday for nearly a month. Doesn't feel like that long- and yet it feels like a lifetime since I was at uni. Not very much has happened but I still feel like a completely different person.

I finished my exams on 23rd May. I managed to get in the 60s for all of them- which is impressive cause I really wasn't prepared. Guessing is the best idea it seems.

A lot of my time off has just been me time. I think I've needed it. I got time to work on some creative projects like writing and presents and my scrapbook. It's been great. I think I'd like a balance of the free time and work time. I'm kinda getting bored but I still don't want to go back to uni.

Highlights of my holiday so far have been..

• Cheryl and Alastair's wedding on 29th May. They both attend my church and are really fun. It's always good to spend time with them. It was so fun singing in the band. We did the Rocky theme during Be thou my vision and we played I'm a believer and Brown eyed girl at the end. Wish worship could be like that every week! I guess we could make it like that, but I think some of the church members would complain if we played the Rocky theme. Maybe for some youth event!
  I also went to the evening event which was fun except that Joyce was teasing me lots. I think she needs a new hobby. It's more annoying when she's actually right about stuff. Anyway, it was a fun night with lots of dancing and I made some new friends cause Aaron's (Aaron being Cheryl's brother) friend Lisa kindly gave me a lift home.
• During the same week I also went on my first night out in ages to the Limelight. I'm not a big fan of clubs/pubs but I really enjoy dancing so I thought I might as well give it all another chance. It was quite fun- if not scary at points, but I suppose I should expect that. Randomly ran into uni people there- including my lovely friend JT who took some pics for me. Not sure I like the one of me and her though cause I appear to have been laughing when it was taken.
• I went on a random trip to Bangor for a walk last week with the Roast Club. It was a little bit scary I have to say. I don't think we'll be repeating it but it was great to spend time with the girls and chat about life and of course take lots of pictures. Don't know when I started taking so many pictures.
• Thursday of this week the Roast Club took another little trip to Newcastle. They made me drive which I didn't appreciate. But I suppose it was good practice. I went a little bit hyper when I got there and pretty much acted like a 5year old. Ice cream, walking on walls, swings, slides, and quacking at ducks! It was great. More pictures were taking- including one by me while I was on a swing. That pic made me feel just a little bit ill. We also went to Julie's house to eat chinese and watch the england match.
• I have no idea when I became a football fan- it certainly wasn't the first England match cause it was just boring after like the first 6mins. I really can't say, but it seems to fill in some time in the hols and gives me something to talk about. Can't be a bad thing really. Right?
  

Anyway, that's pretty much everything. Well as much as I'm willing to say right now. Except that we booked our hotel in Rome. Domus Mariae. Looks amazing!!! Can't wait til September.

I'm back

I promise that I tried to update before. I just got a little distracted. I decided to read my last post and realised that I had nothing to say.

But I guess I must have something to say. It has been months since I've written.

So, let's see... January... not a nice month. Had exams and was VERY sick with vertigo. Couldn't even sit one of my exams so it's now in August. Grr. But I did sit one and managed to get 76 despite the room spinning. Got 90 in my other module, so it seems I should stick with chem. Darn. Have to say it is quite fun. My uni friends are the best. They keep me laughing all the time and seem to understand that I don't actually know anything about chem!

Got to do some interesting practicals this term. We made aspirin and paracetamol. I also managed to break my first thing, which was a really expensive salt bridge that smashed at my feet and made my shoe go red- silver nitrate is not good for shoes!!

Other than that I've just been having a laugh with them, trying not to fall asleep in lectures, going to work (I actually like working in Topshop) and meeting up with the Roast club.

The Roast Club are a group of us who go to Roast after queens cu. You can only be a member if you actually order stuff with us at the same time. It's a weird thing. So it's me, Claire, Julie and Nat. Neil is an honourary member, but we have to say that cause he pretty much is always there and surrounded by us annoying girls.

The most exciting thing I've done since my last update was go to Florida for 2 whole weeks. It was fab. I got to catch up with everyone and catch some rays. It just felt like I was home- even though I wasn't. I guess it is my second home but I prefer to think of it as my oasis. I miss it when I'm home. I love home too. I love my family, though they drive me insane, and I love my friends- would not know what to do without them- but I miss my family in America too. I have a huge family in America it seems.

Anyway, I feel like I'm only updating to avoid revision. Soon enough I'll have 4 months to think of stuff to write!!

Thank God for brick walls

I really have been neglecting my blog- for two whole months. Eek.

I really don't know what I think right now. I've been floating out in the middle of the ocean wishing on a star for some time I think. My days have become pretty routine- different tasks but nothing ever accomplished. I don't think I've been living. I certainly haven't been living for God. I've been in a little "me" bubble and I've been entirely selfish with my time lately- or I should say, God's time.

Sometimes it amuses me when I run straight into a brick wall. Sure, it hurts. A lot. And boy am I embarrassed. But it's funny cause I should have seen it coming. I felt it coming. I felt a pang in my chest that told me something big was coming. But I shrugged it off as something else. Something that couldn't possibly be related to God.

I forget sometimes that everything relates to God- even the devil relates to God. My friend got asked by a kid in her Sunday school class why God didn't just kill the devil. Tough questions always come from kids- they're smart enough to realise what's going on AND not be scared to question it. But really, no matter how much it hurts God to see us screwed up by the devil, that He's already defeated, He's still hanging in there for us. I think it's a bigger thing to see God's power in watching His own Son die never mind his creation falling to pieces as we walk around simply thinking "Me, myself and I". It must take an awful lot more for God to go through all that just for us to love Him in a way that's no way measurable to how much He loves us. I think it would be way easier for him to just smite the devil and be done with it.

There's also the fact that without evil there's not really good. Without the devil we never would realise that there's such thing as perfection. It haunts me every day I wake up that there is perfection- but without that knowledge there's no way I'd comprehend in any way how much of a difference there is between my love and God's love and therefore realise what He really means and as a result actually choose to worship Him.

I missed the wonder of God. I missed the wonder of a sunset and the beating of a butterfly's wings, the mystery of a tree losing its leaves only to become reborn. I saw a robin the other day and I thought to myself "where do you go Mr Robin when winter time is done?" Ignoring the fact that I gave him a title, it was just such an amazing thought for me to have again. Something that any normal person would just go look up on the internet or forget about entirely I'm sure, but I just think it's amazing that even with life working as a circle and things coming and going into my life that I'm still seeing the wonder in it.

I mean I must have seen a lot of robins in my time. I think if they were around all year round I wouldn't appreciate them as much- and I wouldn't have a freaky looking one attached to my Christmas tree every year. But not only that, I wouldn't have thought about how much God thinks about things. He didn't just put every single animal in the same place for the same seasons - he made them all different, with different characteristics, different ways of communicating, different colours, different countries- and yet sometimes I can just put them all in a big collective and say "animals, yeah...job well done. Well except for those red ants."

I guess it's like humans too. Even if you don't look at one single human, but look at the human race as a whole, we're already more unique. And then you look at a single human- right down to their fingerprints and how anyone can come up with this all being an accident is beyond me.

I don't know what's happening. I don't think I'll ever understand how I can forget how much I need God. I'm sure somewhere deep down inside me I know I need Him, always- at least I hope so cause then it makes that pang when I look at my bible and remember that I haven't read it enough lately more worth it, cause if it's just guilt then I don't think I'm in love.

I do need God. I need Him for life- life to the full. For breath, for the strength to walk around in a falling world without being into floods of tears or hiding away in my room. I need God for my identity- no longer just a sinner- I'm saved, I'm bought, I'm free. And most of all I'm loved. Loved- how amazing it is to be loved. To have someone truly love you.

I read a thing today about metaphors for love- a lot of them were associated with economy, like loving someone is investing in them. But does that not mean that love is like money? Sometimes I really hate money cause it takes a lot of fun out of life. But love isn't like money. We certainly don't earn it. I wouldn't feel right in accepting it if I felt I actually had to earn it- cause how could I ever measure up? But it's not about earning- and it's not about giving it to those who are good enough in our eyes to receive it either.

Love your neighbour like yourself- I think I still need to learn how to do both. But I'm grateful now. I'm grateful that I know God loves me. Even if I have a tendency to run right into brick walls- when I come to He's standing there holding out a hand to pull me up onto my feet and hug me and tell me how much He missed me.