Blue

I was in such a bad mood tonight.

I met Emily for coffee today-the chat itself was great. She's volunteering at my church this year- and she's from America. We're kinda like opposites and yet completely the same. We've been challenging each other a lot. My challenge is to like me.

We were talking about how odd it is that we are LOVED by GOD and yet we still seek acceptance. The God of all creation loves us but we feel the need to dress in the right clothes, say the right things to be loved by people. It's a human condition to crave love and acceptance- something put in us by God I believe cause He wants us to seek him. And yet I seek love from friends, guys- anyone who I believe doesn't HAVE to love me. Even a stranger walking down the street.

I go to the bother of deciding what clothes I'm going to wear the night before. I stick little pieces of plastic to my eyes so I don't have to wear glasses and I spend a least 5 minutes every morning applying make-up that I highly doubt anyone can see- but it makes me feel better. I guess it makes me like every other human.

Some day I think I might just wear odd socks- clothes that really don't match or suit me- or perhaps just a silly hat. Or I'll put bright pink streaks in my hair. Or maybe I'll do the ironic thing of being gothic to be different and yet look like everyone else.

I think it's part of the reason I'd like to be five again. You should see some of the pictures of me from then! I wore the brightest colours, with frills and ruffles and pretty much everything and anything girly! I also had a fab pair of pink plastic sunglasses for the summer! Also, when I was 5 I didn't care about guys (though I did have a "boyfriend") or whether or not I was studying the right subject- or even if I was living the correct way. I was just living. Enjoying every day and everything it offered. I was excited to get out of bed!

I think that's part of the reason why I want to be a good mother. I want my children to experience the feeling of innocence and secure happiness for as long as possible-which is difficult in a world that's full of hatred and terror.

I guess I long for a child like faith too. One that just knows that I'm loved by God instead of wondering why He would ever think of me. I'm so glad that my dad was so good to me growing up because my favourite image of God is Him as a Father.

I'm tired now. Falling asleep as I type. I'm also babbling, so I'm going to go now! Night xo.

Rambling

It really has been a life time since I last updated. I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not really. I had so much stuff I needed to work through and using my blog to vent would not only have been annoying to readers, but embarrassing to me- in the long run anyway.

Lately I've been feeling quite angry at life. There are so many things happening right now that I'd just like to freeze so I have time to think about it. I hate making decisions quickly- for the most part I just hate decisions actually. I don't feel like I'm in a place to get anything right at the moment.

Anyway, I missed writing about my 20th(!!!!) birthday. Probably quite deliberately. Don't want to be 20. Filled out a form the other day and was like "hmm, what age am I? 19? Darn, no I'm 20!" Still want to be 5.

For my birthday I got a guitar, though technically I've had it since the summer. I also got clothes and cds and stuff. I got a box last week from USA. It rocked. I got a new dvd and a picture book which is fab cause now I have more pictures to look at and smile about. I really miss them all. Would love to be back there.

Oh also, I got my hair fixed! It's not longer red! That was very exciting- though no one noticed!

For my birthday I went bowling with friends from church. It was lots of fun. I also went out to lunch with a friend from Uni and went to CU and then to Roast to have coffee with all my friends. That was lots of fun, though I got slagged again. I'm constantly being slagged- mostly about guys. Luckily I really don't care. I think I take it a million time better now. Uni has increased my confidence levels!

I'm still adjusting to uni life. I don't know if I ever really will adjust. Kinda sucks when I see all the Methody people wandering about and I think how much I miss school. Why do I miss school? It really makes no sense. At the time I think I was quite dying to get out of there. To get away from all the rules. But really I like rules. I like structure. I like people telling me what and when I need to do- and having people to help me. Also, I miss all my friends. I have new friends in uni and they are a laugh- don't know what I'd do without them- and yet, it's just not the same. Things were a whole lot simpler then.

But then, would I sacrifice my gap year for simple? Nope. I wouldn't give up my friends and family in PSL for the world. My gap year was not a sacrifice, it was a blessing. I'm only really seeing how much that's true now. I learnt a lot more than I'll let on to my church and I grew as a person. I did change, even if people can't see it. My future changed. My views of family, love, children, home changed, without even factoring in God. Putting what I learnt about God and how I want Him to control everything completely changes my future.

That could be part of why I'm questioning chemistry. Could also be cause I suck at it. And maths is pure torture. Hmm...anyone else thinking Bible College? Though this could also be like the work thing- I'm meant to hate it.

What I'd love to do is sing. I love singing so much. My sister once said I would hum along to the vacuum cleaner. Not sure that's a good thing, but I have always loved singing. I used to make up songs when I was a kid. Then I realised I sucked at that too when I did GCSE music.

Ah well, I gotta go for food now. Hope you are all well. xoxo.