Today is not a good day.
I'm having a complete downer about being here. I know I shouldn't be and I feel guilty about it, which obviously doesn't help. I've been thinking a lot lately about how my attitude needs to be about how this experience is a privilege, but I'm slipping into sacrifice today.
It's not that I'm not loving it, cause I am, I really am. It's just that I feel like I'm missing stuff at home. It's really quite dumb. I remember vaguely lots of other times when I have missed out on things because I feel like I'll lose something else. I'm not usually one for stepping out of the box, and this might just be stretching me a bit too far.
I need to learn to rely on God though. I've spend too many years relying on friends and family and here's the challenge laid in front of me. A step into the great unknown, with no preconceptions to hold me back.
I also know that change can be good. Change can create domino effects that result in big things that happen. Change has always been a hard thing for me though. It means that people move on, that new things are learnt, but old things are forgotten. I don't want to be one of those forgotten friends. I don't want to lose people just because I took a step off their path, or because I changed just a bit too much. I feel like I'm clinging to some known existance that's never going to have a place for me again.
And I know I'm being dramatic. I know that when I go home it really will be like the rest of the world has stayed the same. Sure, some of my friends will have to leave for uni again, but the months of summer will be like any other year. My family especially will always be there for me. I do know that deep down there somewhere. It's just really hard to rely on hope. I like hard facts.
My prayer is that I learn to rely on God and His hope. To know that wherever God leads me, it's the only place that fits; The only way that the jigsaw of my life is ever going to make His complete big picture.
Put on that happy face
-
I walked slowly but purposely up that long wooded hill, the sun leaving
streaks of narrow light as if showing me the route to my final destination.
Peopl...
5 years ago
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1 comment:
Hi Polly
Just a note to say you're not alone. You're never really alone. To share with you a little about me: I also am a member of The UMC in Duluth Minnesota. I'm a couple thousand miles away from where I called home at one time in my life. No friends here really, no family except my wife and children. We came here because this is where my wife wanted to be, close to her family. I often questioned The Lord about "why" because I missed my family and friends I'd grown up with so much. Sometimes I get the strength I need and that question then turns to "why not me". But once I asked The Lord "why me" and "what is it you would have me do". I heard a resounding answer that I was to be "a mouth piece" for God. You know what Polly, It was not long after that (within hours) my pastor at the time called me and said he was moved to help sponsor me as a speaker in our church and other places of ministry. It took time and a little money and I did the necessary study and preparations. Now I'm qualified and experienced in bringing the word of God to His people.
Here in the northland winters are long and very cold. It's very easy to get a little down because you look outside, it's cold and grey skys but white from the feet of snow covering everything. It's most people's tendancy to see just what's in front of them in the present and let what appears bad or negative control them and steal their joy, instead of focusing on the goal, the prize, what is awaiting us at the end of what often feels like a tiresome journey. Hang in there Polly. Springtime is coming soon.
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