Prayer for renewal

COME, SPIRIT, breath of God,breathe new life into me. Blow away the cobwebs in my mind: clear away the debris in my soul. Bring healing to my wounds and comfort to my grief. Refresh my spirit, set my feet to dancing,and set my heart ablaze. Wind of God, touch my life and open me to your direction.
Amen.
-- Larry J. Peacock

That's totally what I hope for myself and all Christians- and hopefully all people. I've really felt God these past few weeks and although I would find it hard to describe how I'm still really excited by it.

I want to dance for God. Okay, so at the moment I should really say I want to sing for God, but there's something that holds me back from that. Part of it is that Charlie reads this (HI!) and I know that if he sees me writing that I want to use my gifts (err..singing is one of my gifts, right?) for God then he'll totally push me to do it- even if I believe with all my heart, mind, soul etc that I just couldn't possibly.

You know my favourite verse used to be "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." It's now "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And the more times it springs to mind, the more I think that I'm not really using that to it's full potential, or letting Christ use me to my full potential. Totally scary place to be.

I don't want to say that I'll do anything, although I have tried my best to do just that throughout the past 6 months (yes it really has been that long!) I really do want to do my best to let people see God through me.

This is a little off track, but still in context. I was talking to Jill yesterday about some stuff. It's scary how much we are alike, but still really nice 'cause it means there's always someone there who understands and most of the time she's in exactly the same place. A true gift from God. Anyway, she wrote me a "10 Things I Love About You" list, which was just so cute and of course something I could just copy and paste and send back to her! (Except I won't 'cause that would make it less unique.)

On the list there was one that said....
"How you are so compassionate to everyone even if they really don't deserve it."
(She really is too sweet!) But anyway, we got talking about it and I said that everyone deserves compassion and God wants everyone to see Him so that they'll want to worship and praise Him. If I can show someone a little piece of heaven through my actions then that's what I want to do.

Does that mean doing the solo in church? I have no clue. I kind of hope not. I don't like being on show. I prefer singing duets or in choirs 'cause then I can convince myself that I'm not on show- that they are looking at the other person. Easily done when the other person is Charlie and I can hide behind him and his voice.

Plus there's the fact that I don't want to get a big head and part of me is scared of confidence 'cause it can easily be compared to arrogance. I quite like being the shadow. It means that when people realise what you've done you are already gone. It also means that you get praise from heaven instead. And who wouldn't want eternal, Godly riches in heaven rather than what we can offer on earth? Which brings me back to doing things for God rather than others or yourself. I'm really fighting myself tonight.

Another thing I've been thinking about is God's direction. I know He directed me here. The fact that I had my very own miracle of getting about $4000 from basically nowhere tells me that God wanted me here. But not only that, I've learnt so much and I really feel closer to Him. I know that it'll partly be like a mission trip feeling- when you go home and things just aren't the same and so you become a little unsteady on your feet and maybe even start to sink- but then I know I can survive on my own. I know that God is there and that He has a plan for my life, even if I have no clue what it is. And it's exciting and comforting that even if I don't live much longer I know that I really followed a call. I stepped out of my box.

So direction wise I guess I'm headed for university after this. Pastor Renee keeps asking me if I couldn't just study here, but I don't think my parents would like that and I know for certain my sister L-J wouldn't. I have mixed feelings about it.

I know that part of me is a home bird. I need my family and any time my sister is sick I'm so tempted to just get on the next plane and go look after her. But then there's the other part of me that feels that I can do anything here. I can be anyone I want to be cause only Marge and Charlie know me and really they push me more than anyone else to grow and do new things.

There really is no nice way to say how I felt sometimes at home. I guess when Jesus said that you couldn't be a prophet in your home town, I kind of related to Him. So sometimes I think it would be easier to stay here and keep on keeping on. But since when were things meant to be easy? First of all it wasn't easy leaving my family, Irish food or home comforts to come here, and yet I've grown from it and it's been one of the best experiences. So why would I think that I wouldn't have to go through some more difficult tasks to grow from them too?

I guess it's like cold medicine. The more disgusting it tastes, the better it is for you.


I got to view my own little slice of heaven tonight. We had Trinity and Logan over. They are the baby twins from church. It was their one year birthday yesterday and they are just absolutely adorable.

Logan was a little bit grumpy because he's teething, but for about 20 minutes he was the cutest little thing. He kept putting his hand out for me to kiss and then every time he would give this amazing smile and giggle. It really was the cutest thing I've ever seen. I didn't want to send him home, but I guess I would change my mind if he was throwing up or something. But it's still a little gift that I'll hold in my heart and memory hopefully for forever.

Anyway, I think this entry is already a little bit too long so I'm going to go and chat to people on msn! Hope you are all well. xox.

Love YOURSELF as you love others

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
"Why is it so hard for us to believe that God's love really is unconditional and that we should imitate God's love not only for others, but also for ourselves?Perhaps we have regarded self-centered behavior too harshly. We are unwilling or unable to give ourselves the same gentle grace that God offers us and that we believe should be offered to others. Leap from doubt to belief and remember that God loves you, delights in you, and yearns for your response."
-- Rueben P. Job,Norman Shawchuck

I read this this morning in my daily devotional and found it a very hard read. It's exactly what I've been thinking about this past week and I do think it's something that I'm "unable" to do.

It's 10.30pm, Friday night, and I'm kinda sleepy so please forgive any spelling and/or grammer errors. They are just reasons why I'm not an english scholar.

So last night I went to youth and Charlie decided to discuss gay people. Of course as I was beside him he decided to start the discussion with me. I hate having to set the ball rolling. But he seems to be encouraged by how the evening went.

I told him all about how I wanted my small group to be completely real with me and that I didn't care if we never got to discuss exactly what the book said- I just wanted them to feel safe and that they have somewhere to turn. I think he picked up the "real" fact and decided to make youth more casual but more deep. I think it's an exciting change and I'm glad I get the opportunity to be involved.

However, I didn't get to stay for the whole of youth as I had to go to a Powerpoint meeting. Matt, who did powerpoint for Traditional services, is moving so we had to rethink the powerpoint team. Of course he finished up last week so they had no one for this Sunday and no powerpoint made.

So I went to the meeting to help people with powerpoint. As a result I've been signed up to be on the powerpoint team until I leave. I even get the pleasure of doing powerpoint this Sunday morning (without the supervision, or "handholding", that was offered to the rest of the newbies.) I spent a lot of time today setting up the powerpoint without the pastor's input because she's sick. I hope it's okay. Please pray for me on Sunday! I'm so going to need it! I know how to run powerpoint but their system is weird and a little bit more complicated than I was expecting. Not to mention the fact that I've probably missed a load of slides.

As well today I had to print youth contact cards for our big Easter celebration, Eggstravaganca. Totally American, I know. So I printed all of them on the front side and about half on the back and then the printer froze. It simply refused to print more. So I just gave up. I was going to throw it out the window, but it was too heavy and the smell of tar from outside was already overpowering. Not fun- and going completely along with my record of computer troubles this week. I ended up getting a whole new computer though! It's nice, and it's already survived two hurricanes in the building that's now condemned!

Tonight was the prayer vigil. I had intended to go for two hours but I'm totally zonked after today. I went in with the mindset to just pray for whatever the sheet said. I started by getting myself in to prayer mode- going through A.C.T.S. I have to write it down though. I'm weird that way - but I guess it's the writer in me. Prayer just works better when I write. So I got myself into it and then started working through the sheets. Some were requests from people I knew, others I had no idea. A few of the things really hit me though.

One couple asked for prayers for their friend who has just lost an 11month year old baby. That hit hard. My 2nd cousin Conner died a few years ago when he was only a few months old. I never met him but it still hurt. And I guess I found myself thinking how my cousin Jennifer, his mother, might have thought. Obviously it wasn't her fault, but I think that if that ever happened to me I would want to take the blame. A little baby and basically everything it has came from inside you. That it was you who made them that way. Conner had spinabifita. It's just so upsetting for just a precious thing to die. I guess I would wish it were me instead.

Another thing was for the children of the church- for God to give them direction. Lately I've been talking to parents and friends of the youth and the more I hear the more I realise they have been through way too much. And I've got to know them. To love many of them. I just want to protect them. I want to make everything better. But I can't. There's no way for me to even comprehend half of the stuff they've been through never mind start to fix it. But I did pray that God would strengthen them and provide people for them to talk to. Also that he would give them peace and let them know it's not their fault that things have turned out the way they have. I know many of them blame themselves.

I guess God's given me a heart for them. I really had to force myself not to start crying. Even when I got into my car to drive home I got a fresh wave of tears. I just know that God hates the fact that they are hurting too and He can give them peace if only they turn to Him. It's all tough stuff- expecially for teenagers.

Now I'm really tired so I'm going to go sleep!
Hope you are all well. xo.

So...

So I feel bad for not writing sooner. Okay so I really don't cause I honestly had nothing to write and I still don't really have anything to write.

Ok so since the time of my last entry my life got a little hectic and possibly self-absorbed. But I did have a lot to think through so I think it was better to do it all in one go than to draw it out for a long time.

So not much has happened other than that. I was sick all last week with this weird cold, cough thing that had me feeling really tired and sometimes dizzy and generally disgusting. I never want to have that again.

So I finally got all better after an entire week of feeling icky!

I did get to go on some home visits during the week though (even though most mornings I woke up without a voice). It really was a blessing to meet the different members of the congreation and my partner Pam was such an encouragement to me. She even made praying out loud an okay thing for me- in front of a small, small group of people.

Sunday my small group was a little bizarre but still encouraging. We decided to talk about relationships- lots of questions directed at me- but Lora said something really cool. When Kathy was talking about something that she wanted Lora simply said "Just pray about it." Which was really cool cause sometimes I make the mistake of categorizing her as ditzy.

On Sunday night youth was quite different cause we had changed rooms. We changed the setup of the night to have the youth pay for their own food at tuckshop and to have a more upfront interaction night with the youth band's debut. Was challenging for me as I haven't played guitar for about a month, I had a terrible migraine and my microphone was turned up way too loud for my liking. I do think that it went well though.


Then once everyone had gone home and we'd tidied up I sat down across from Margaret to tell her stuff about Thursday night and next thing I know she's shouting "MOUSE" and is backing her chair (on wheels) away from me.

I turned round to where she was looking and a huge mouse (which actually was a rat) was coming out of the ceiling, which really isn't there cause of hurricane repairs, and it was crawling down the wall.

I have never left a room as quickly. And I never want to return again but they are having a potluck dinner next week and I have to go! Eugh gross. I'm so putting my feet up on the chair. I don't care if I have to sit crosslegged the entire meal.

Ok, so really I did have stuff to write. Gross stuff, but stuff all the same.

So today in work I had a really bad computer day. First Charlie's computer sounded like it was making coffee when I tried to save a powerpoint presentation. In the end it didn't save it but crashed twice instead. And then my computer would only open two programs so I couldn't do my work there. And then this afternoon my computer screen turned blue and windows error came up and then it turned black and I nearly lost all my work again.

So now I am scared of computers. Well not really, but I might throw the next one that crashes out the window.
I must go but if you have free time please vote for Kate and Andre at this website-
http://www.weddingjournalonline.com/default.asp?pageref=boyvote.asp
Thanks! xo

Giving God the Goods

Ok so I haven't blogged in awhile. As well as that I haven't blogged any deep especially stuff that's entirely about me so this could be tough.

Anyway, I was in small group a few weeks ago and we were talking about marriage and love. One thing that our book had suggested was that this was something you needed to give fully to God. So I tried it.

Except I didn't give it fully to God. I held onto the love part. I didn't want God to mess up my feelings and make me fall out of love or into it either.

So I held onto that for a few more weeks until this week I came to a point of desperation. Don't we always? A point were there was no other way out except to be in pain. Which no one wants to go through. So I guess I decided that God could do a better job.

So I've decided to give it all to God. He has control over whether I marry or if I live my life fully serving Him alone.

It's a weird revelation but completely comforting. I love to think that God is control, that He sees the bigger picture and knows how the decisions can make my life work better for Him and for me.

Anyway, that was my week with all the boring life edited out.
Hope you are all well.
xo.