God's wake up calls

Today is not a good day.

I'm having a complete downer about being here. I know I shouldn't be and I feel guilty about it, which obviously doesn't help. I've been thinking a lot lately about how my attitude needs to be about how this experience is a privilege, but I'm slipping into sacrifice today.

It's not that I'm not loving it, cause I am, I really am. It's just that I feel like I'm missing stuff at home. It's really quite dumb. I remember vaguely lots of other times when I have missed out on things because I feel like I'll lose something else. I'm not usually one for stepping out of the box, and this might just be stretching me a bit too far.

I need to learn to rely on God though. I've spend too many years relying on friends and family and here's the challenge laid in front of me. A step into the great unknown, with no preconceptions to hold me back.

I also know that change can be good. Change can create domino effects that result in big things that happen. Change has always been a hard thing for me though. It means that people move on, that new things are learnt, but old things are forgotten. I don't want to be one of those forgotten friends. I don't want to lose people just because I took a step off their path, or because I changed just a bit too much. I feel like I'm clinging to some known existance that's never going to have a place for me again.

And I know I'm being dramatic. I know that when I go home it really will be like the rest of the world has stayed the same. Sure, some of my friends will have to leave for uni again, but the months of summer will be like any other year. My family especially will always be there for me. I do know that deep down there somewhere. It's just really hard to rely on hope. I like hard facts.

My prayer is that I learn to rely on God and His hope. To know that wherever God leads me, it's the only place that fits; The only way that the jigsaw of my life is ever going to make His complete big picture.

Jesus is the reason for the season

Ooops... ah well, I'm still not as bad as other people at updating their blogs..not mentioning any names though..

I guess I didn't write because I didn't think I had anything to write. I also just wasn't in the mood to sit in front of the computer and pour out my thoughts. Who knows what would come out if I did. I did go through a few days of weirdness. It really is the only way to explain it.

So since my last entry we have been getting back into the normality of work without holidays. There has been lots of organising going on for the next holiday though.

I went to see a movie called "Christmas with the Kranks." I recommend seeing it as long as you aren't emotional and away from your family. Basically it starts with the daughter going away for Christmas and how the parents deal with that. I really got upset during it cause I don't want to be away from my family during Christmas. I know they'll phone and my parents will be here January 10th, but it's just not the same.

A good thing is that it makes me appreciate my family more. Now that I've had to live without them I can't wait to see them and to try and make family life better. I want to spend more time with them and be more informed about their lives. We aren't very good at talking about stuff even though we're a really close family. At least I already know I've learnt something from this experience.

Gary and Louise came over with Margaret's parents. It was nice to hear more Irish accents, although going round in a group of 7 was a bit weird. Especially since they are all connected because they are family. I was just a friend. Of course one of the sales reps wanted the entire story of the group. Surprise, surprise, he was partly Irish. Isn't everyone?

It was nice to catch up with Gary and Louise. They paid for way too many meals though!

It was also Margaret's birthday and we went to Outback Steakhouse for dinner. I had chicken. Apparently not the done thing at a Steakhouse and just for that, Ronda took me to a BBQ place and got me some pork. My mum will be pleased that I managed to eat it and actually keep it down - Even though I didn't look so good when I took the first bite. Ronda thought she might have made a mistake making me eat it.

Charlie and I wrote a song for Christmas Eve service. He mostly wrote it, I just gave him a few ideas. The main theme is the Saviour's Star. I quite like it now that it's been put to music. I won't take any credit for it though, even though Charlie will say that I wrote it with him. I just changed a few words, like an editor rather than a writer.

During this week I just broke down. All the Christmas stuff and being away from my family and friends from home was just too much for me. I wasn't at the stage of giving up and going home, but I was at the stage of uncontrollable crying. My eyes were glistening quite a few times on Wednesday morning and I did have to let a few tears fall when I phoned my mum in work. Now every time I yawn Ronda thinks she might have said something to upset me. Thankfully I'm no longer on edge so I can control my tears. Homesickness really is evil.

Anyway, I hope you are all well and not too stressed out what with Christmas being so close. Be thankful you don't have Christmas Live Nativity to help organise. I'll update soon, maybe after the chaos has subsided and I have more to write about!
xo.