Beauty

I watched supersize vs superskinny last night and once again scared myself. I wonder sometimes if I don't have a tendency towards the eating disorder side of things. Not that I have an eating disorder. I like eating most of the time and I make sure I eat at least my main meals. But sometimes I do seem to have strange habits with food.

I have a strange thing about not liking using a tablespoon to eat breakfast or dessert or a yoghurt. It has to be a tea spoon. (Yoghurt is a very strange word if you look at it too long).

I also can never finish a glass of juice/milk/water at breakfast. It doesn't matter how much I pour out or what it is, I just can't finish it. It drove my mum mad when I was at home.
I also have a bit of a secret eating thing- like I feel very put out if I have planned to be at home for lunch on my own and someone comes home. Like I don't want them to see what I was eating. And yesterday I bought a salad in M&S and they didn't give me a bag so I had to carry it through the shop and I kept thinking "people are going to see what I'm eating!" Which is stupid because a) no one cares, b) it's a salad, and c) I wasn't necessarily buying it for myself.

I do think about food a lot- and I compare my portions in work to other people. My best friend in work is a really fast eater and it completely puts me off as I always finish after her. It makes me feel like I've been a pig or something.

I think it all started after the evil ex episode. After all the horrible stuff and the break up I went through a phase of only really eating when I had to- and the rest of the time trying to not be sick. I often felt faint and I fell down the stairs once because of it. That's when I started to force feed myself. And now it's just habit. I still get hungry at times and have food cravings- which is the only thing that's making me feel normal and gives me hope that I'm not going to fall any further towards an eating disorder. But I can see me going off food if I get upset so I just have to keep that in mind.

And I think I could start to go down the calorie counting, exercise route. Not that I like exercise, but I do tally things off in my mind at times and try and get rid of guilt by going for walks. I would consider myself a normal weight, but slightly heavier than I would like - and I do have a fear that my weight will increase out of my control.

I really do sound mad. And not in the good way.

Beware of icy roads... when in doubt get out.

It has been a very long time since I felt at all inspired to write a blog. I'm not sure I am now, but we'll see how it goes.

I have two big things on my mind at the moment- one is happy and one is sad.

I suppose I should get the sad over. On Boxing Day we lost a dear friend, Pat. She was my mum's cousin's wife and over the past two years since her husband died she has been spending a lot of time with my family. I can't imagine what any special occasion will be like without her. She was the kind of person who would do anything for anyone and would always make time if you needed her. She always had a kind word to say and she will be missed. My nanny will be especially lost without her.

The funeral is tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it- not that anyone does, but I'm terrible at funerals. I cry at funerals of people I don't know, never mind those I do. I'm just a wreck- and I'll be even more so as my boyfriend won't be able to come hold my hand. I'm going to go get as many hugs from him as possible tonight to help me cope tomorrow.

My boyfriend is my other thought- my good thought. Recently I've just noticed how much he understands me. He doesn't always get it right, and quite often he really winds me up, but I love him and I'd be lost without him.

I was looking on my blog dashboard today and found I had a few comments on my blog- apparently I have to moderate them now. I must have chosen to do that at some point.

Anyway, I had a response to a blog I wrote about seeking revenge. It may have sounded quite harsh, and completely out of character for me. It IS out of character for me. I really don't believe in revenge, and I don't like to see other people hurting, but there are a few people who need to learn some lessons about how to treat other people. I'm not sure if them having done onto them that they have done to others would help, but it would be nice for them to see things from a different perspective. To know what it's like to feel as their victim did. Perhaps they could not only realise that it was horrible way to act, but also consider how the victim would feel now- would they really want to have any contact?

I'm ranting. I suppose it's because I really want to write the full story but know that I can't.

Graduation