Thank God for brick walls

I really have been neglecting my blog- for two whole months. Eek.

I really don't know what I think right now. I've been floating out in the middle of the ocean wishing on a star for some time I think. My days have become pretty routine- different tasks but nothing ever accomplished. I don't think I've been living. I certainly haven't been living for God. I've been in a little "me" bubble and I've been entirely selfish with my time lately- or I should say, God's time.

Sometimes it amuses me when I run straight into a brick wall. Sure, it hurts. A lot. And boy am I embarrassed. But it's funny cause I should have seen it coming. I felt it coming. I felt a pang in my chest that told me something big was coming. But I shrugged it off as something else. Something that couldn't possibly be related to God.

I forget sometimes that everything relates to God- even the devil relates to God. My friend got asked by a kid in her Sunday school class why God didn't just kill the devil. Tough questions always come from kids- they're smart enough to realise what's going on AND not be scared to question it. But really, no matter how much it hurts God to see us screwed up by the devil, that He's already defeated, He's still hanging in there for us. I think it's a bigger thing to see God's power in watching His own Son die never mind his creation falling to pieces as we walk around simply thinking "Me, myself and I". It must take an awful lot more for God to go through all that just for us to love Him in a way that's no way measurable to how much He loves us. I think it would be way easier for him to just smite the devil and be done with it.

There's also the fact that without evil there's not really good. Without the devil we never would realise that there's such thing as perfection. It haunts me every day I wake up that there is perfection- but without that knowledge there's no way I'd comprehend in any way how much of a difference there is between my love and God's love and therefore realise what He really means and as a result actually choose to worship Him.

I missed the wonder of God. I missed the wonder of a sunset and the beating of a butterfly's wings, the mystery of a tree losing its leaves only to become reborn. I saw a robin the other day and I thought to myself "where do you go Mr Robin when winter time is done?" Ignoring the fact that I gave him a title, it was just such an amazing thought for me to have again. Something that any normal person would just go look up on the internet or forget about entirely I'm sure, but I just think it's amazing that even with life working as a circle and things coming and going into my life that I'm still seeing the wonder in it.

I mean I must have seen a lot of robins in my time. I think if they were around all year round I wouldn't appreciate them as much- and I wouldn't have a freaky looking one attached to my Christmas tree every year. But not only that, I wouldn't have thought about how much God thinks about things. He didn't just put every single animal in the same place for the same seasons - he made them all different, with different characteristics, different ways of communicating, different colours, different countries- and yet sometimes I can just put them all in a big collective and say "animals, yeah...job well done. Well except for those red ants."

I guess it's like humans too. Even if you don't look at one single human, but look at the human race as a whole, we're already more unique. And then you look at a single human- right down to their fingerprints and how anyone can come up with this all being an accident is beyond me.

I don't know what's happening. I don't think I'll ever understand how I can forget how much I need God. I'm sure somewhere deep down inside me I know I need Him, always- at least I hope so cause then it makes that pang when I look at my bible and remember that I haven't read it enough lately more worth it, cause if it's just guilt then I don't think I'm in love.

I do need God. I need Him for life- life to the full. For breath, for the strength to walk around in a falling world without being into floods of tears or hiding away in my room. I need God for my identity- no longer just a sinner- I'm saved, I'm bought, I'm free. And most of all I'm loved. Loved- how amazing it is to be loved. To have someone truly love you.

I read a thing today about metaphors for love- a lot of them were associated with economy, like loving someone is investing in them. But does that not mean that love is like money? Sometimes I really hate money cause it takes a lot of fun out of life. But love isn't like money. We certainly don't earn it. I wouldn't feel right in accepting it if I felt I actually had to earn it- cause how could I ever measure up? But it's not about earning- and it's not about giving it to those who are good enough in our eyes to receive it either.

Love your neighbour like yourself- I think I still need to learn how to do both. But I'm grateful now. I'm grateful that I know God loves me. Even if I have a tendency to run right into brick walls- when I come to He's standing there holding out a hand to pull me up onto my feet and hug me and tell me how much He missed me.