The big issue

I see you standing there
And what do I do?
I walk on through
I walk on through

How did you end up here?
All alone
With no home
With no home

I always seem to pass you by
Too much to do to even try
To try and see things from your side
What it would be like if this was my life
Would I survive?

Maybe one day

Maybe one day I’ll wake up
And it won’t be so hard to miss you
And maybe one day I’ll wake up
And I won’t long for my lips to kiss yours.

But I know that this heart longs
To beat in time with your heart
I know this heart longs
To be yours and yours alone.

I'll call on you

When I feel like I’m losing
When I don’t know the way
When my dreams are all broken
And the night fills my days

When I can’t fall asleep
When the nightmares seem real
When the world knocks me down
And the bruises won’t heal

I’ll call on you
I’ll call on you

100 things you probably don't need to know about me but I'm telling you anyway

1. I hate getting my picture taken although I am getting better at it.
2. I have a hamster who I adore.
3. I'm scared of pigeons.
4. I hate the fact that I worry so much.
5. I obsess about what clothes I'm going to wear the next day, a week in advance, for a special occasion a month in advance…
6. I have viral labyrinthitis and can't look at black and white things for long periods of time.
7. I couldn't leave home without my phone.
8. My favourite colour varies daily.
9. I like listening to music that affects my mood.
10. I love girly films.
11. I have a weird kidney defect and have to take potassium tablets.
12. I love soul music.
13. I want to work with kids.
14. I love hugs.
15. I love chocolate.
16. I secretly wish I could be a popstar (not so secret now).
17. I love getting caught in the rain and then coming home to change into pyjamas and curl up in front of the tv.
18. I study Chemistry.
19. I love kisses.
20. I love to drool over Johnny Depp.
21. I suck at saying no.
22. I love to sing.
23. I hate exams.
24. I love chinese food.
25. I love to write poetry.
26. Some days I like me.
27. I wish I was better at playing guitar.
28. I want to be able to cook.
29. I have a desire to shop and have to avoid shops so I don't spend money.
30. I love the Czech Rep because of all the sunflowers.
31. I have weak ankles- even though I've had lots of physio.
32. I like singing along with the radio.
33. I want to learn how to speak another language.
34. I have a book about how boys are stupid and it makes me giggle.
35. My favourite flower is a tulip.
36. I'm scared of spiders.
37. I love the beach- even in freezing cold Northern Ireland.
38. I worry about getting old and wrinkly.
39. I like sour food.
40. I'm proud of being soppy.
41. I want to have kids.
42. I love tea.
43. If I were to have a superpower I'd want to be able to fly.
44. I want to go to Athens.
45. I'm scared of snakes.
46. I want to learn more about myself.
47. I like being warm.
48. I like spicy food.
49. I'm scared of heights.
50. I want a puppy.
51. I've already picked out names for my kids.
52. I love having coffee with friends, and spending time with Paul.
53. I love taking pictures.
54. I love dresses.
55. I lived in Florida for a year.
56. I’m easily amused.
57. I'm trying to increase my collection of music and dvds- so I don't seem so uncool!
58. I love high heels- even though I don't wear them often.
59. I wish I was shorter.
60. My eyes have lots of colour in them.
61. I get easily distracted.
62. I get grumpy if I don't have enough sleep- or enough potassium.
63. I miss Claire!
64. I love to harmonise when I sing.
65. I love teddies.
66. I have double jointed fingers.
67. I love my hair.
68. I play a cornet.
69. I'm short-sighted.
70. I hate bikinis.
71. I want to be fitter.
72. I either walk or clean when I'm in a bad mood.
73. I love my big sis!
74. My favourite animal is a koala, even though I've heard they are evil.
75. I'm really bad at taking compliments.
76. My first car was a toyota corolla.
77. I hate goodbyes.
78. I love Nemo- watching or quoting rather than finding.
79. I want a fairytale romance with a prince and happy ever after.
80. Disney screwed up my view of love!!
81. My car's name is Tink.
82. I want Fraggle Rock, Dinosaurs and Secret bars to come back.
83. I only like silver jewellery.
84. I used to hate wearing jeans.
85. I'm indecisive.
86. I like things that are sparkly.
87. I have really long legs.
88. My favourite chemistry module is quantum mechanics.
89. I hate wearing my glasses.
90. I dance like no one is watching.
91. I hate the game monopoly because I get bored before it ends.
92. I like stars.
93. I like happy endings.
94. I like getting messages and emails from people just because they miss me.
95. I fall in love easily.
96. My favourite holiday is Christmas.
97. I don't really like my ears.
98. I love laughing- even when I'm being tickled.
99. I love foot massages.
100.I'm most often defined as cute.

*This list is subject to change- cause I'm particularly indecisive.

Writing

Standing still
The world's moving fast
If you close your eyes
You'll miss the last

Second,
But a second today
Can last a minute
And time can pay

Just imagine
How long a second feels
When you're spinning
With no control of the wheel
And then you stop.

Standing still
The world's moving fast
If you close your eyes
You'll miss the last

Back to blogging

It has been a long long time since I last wrote on my blog- and a lot has changed for me.

I still have a year left of university, and I really can't wait for it to be over. People say that university is a great experience, but to be honest I haven't enjoyed very much of it. Not university's fault I guess. I have been too sick to act my age- to enjoy the fun parts of uni, and also to pay attention in lectures. It's just been one challenge after another. I do enjoy a challenge at times, but sometimes it would be nice to just have a break.

This summer has been good though. I've managed to work quite a bit- only two or three days a week but it's an achievement for me. I've also spent a lot of time catching up with friends and trying to live life even though I still have days of feeling like something is sitting on my head- bringing back the fog, fatigue and aches throughout my body. I have got days of no pain at all thank goodness- I never thought I would have that, especially when my stomach pains come back. I have to put things into perspective though and see that life can be good, and the amount of good days are increasing.

I've also met the most amazing guy. I know I'm the kind of person who falls easily, and always wants to see the best in people, but Paul really does know how to look after me well. He's such a sweetheart and very understanding about my bad days. I try to not be grumpy around him, and quite often that is very easy as he knows just how to make me smile and feel special, but I know that I'm going to have to let him see me at my worst for him to fully understand it.

Rambling again

It feels so long since I last wrote down my thoughts. I suppose I feel embarrassed by them. Scared that I'm so lost. It hasn't helped that I've been trapped in my own mind whilst being sick. I haven't had the same amount of contact with my friends as I have in previous weeks.

I keep feeling like things are going to resolve themselves- that certain aspects of my life are going to fall into place like I've pictured them to be. I'm not completely naive. I know things take time. I know that other things just aren't meant to be, but it is tough when the plans I see for my life don't come remotely close to reality.

I think I need a better balance between planning and trusting in God. I know that I can't just leave it all to Him- I need to work at stuff, especially stuff about myself. I get so caught up in life that I forget who I'm living for. Especially when it comes to things I think I can control. There are certain things that I know are WAY too big for me to handle and I have no trouble handing them over, but things like relationships I'm still trying to figure out. Doesn't help that I'm struggling with my relationship with God. I think they play off each other. I get distracted and forget that God is key- and without God everything just falls apart and then I get mad at Him. I question how it's fair that people who don't even care that there is a one true God seem to have everything figured out and yet I can't even figure out if I want to do a 3 or 4 year course at uni.

Looking at it differently though, I don't think I can complain really. God has blessed me with so much. The fact that I have to make decisions about uni is a big sign to that. I know that God has gifted me with a mind that can analyse and also be creative.

I feel like I'm rambling and that I'm really not collecting my thoughts!

Holidays

So I've now been on holiday for nearly a month. Doesn't feel like that long- and yet it feels like a lifetime since I was at uni. Not very much has happened but I still feel like a completely different person.

I finished my exams on 23rd May. I managed to get in the 60s for all of them- which is impressive cause I really wasn't prepared. Guessing is the best idea it seems.

A lot of my time off has just been me time. I think I've needed it. I got time to work on some creative projects like writing and presents and my scrapbook. It's been great. I think I'd like a balance of the free time and work time. I'm kinda getting bored but I still don't want to go back to uni.

Highlights of my holiday so far have been..

• Cheryl and Alastair's wedding on 29th May. They both attend my church and are really fun. It's always good to spend time with them. It was so fun singing in the band. We did the Rocky theme during Be thou my vision and we played I'm a believer and Brown eyed girl at the end. Wish worship could be like that every week! I guess we could make it like that, but I think some of the church members would complain if we played the Rocky theme. Maybe for some youth event!
  I also went to the evening event which was fun except that Joyce was teasing me lots. I think she needs a new hobby. It's more annoying when she's actually right about stuff. Anyway, it was a fun night with lots of dancing and I made some new friends cause Aaron's (Aaron being Cheryl's brother) friend Lisa kindly gave me a lift home.
• During the same week I also went on my first night out in ages to the Limelight. I'm not a big fan of clubs/pubs but I really enjoy dancing so I thought I might as well give it all another chance. It was quite fun- if not scary at points, but I suppose I should expect that. Randomly ran into uni people there- including my lovely friend JT who took some pics for me. Not sure I like the one of me and her though cause I appear to have been laughing when it was taken.
• I went on a random trip to Bangor for a walk last week with the Roast Club. It was a little bit scary I have to say. I don't think we'll be repeating it but it was great to spend time with the girls and chat about life and of course take lots of pictures. Don't know when I started taking so many pictures.
• Thursday of this week the Roast Club took another little trip to Newcastle. They made me drive which I didn't appreciate. But I suppose it was good practice. I went a little bit hyper when I got there and pretty much acted like a 5year old. Ice cream, walking on walls, swings, slides, and quacking at ducks! It was great. More pictures were taking- including one by me while I was on a swing. That pic made me feel just a little bit ill. We also went to Julie's house to eat chinese and watch the england match.
• I have no idea when I became a football fan- it certainly wasn't the first England match cause it was just boring after like the first 6mins. I really can't say, but it seems to fill in some time in the hols and gives me something to talk about. Can't be a bad thing really. Right?
  

Anyway, that's pretty much everything. Well as much as I'm willing to say right now. Except that we booked our hotel in Rome. Domus Mariae. Looks amazing!!! Can't wait til September.

I'm back

I promise that I tried to update before. I just got a little distracted. I decided to read my last post and realised that I had nothing to say.

But I guess I must have something to say. It has been months since I've written.

So, let's see... January... not a nice month. Had exams and was VERY sick with vertigo. Couldn't even sit one of my exams so it's now in August. Grr. But I did sit one and managed to get 76 despite the room spinning. Got 90 in my other module, so it seems I should stick with chem. Darn. Have to say it is quite fun. My uni friends are the best. They keep me laughing all the time and seem to understand that I don't actually know anything about chem!

Got to do some interesting practicals this term. We made aspirin and paracetamol. I also managed to break my first thing, which was a really expensive salt bridge that smashed at my feet and made my shoe go red- silver nitrate is not good for shoes!!

Other than that I've just been having a laugh with them, trying not to fall asleep in lectures, going to work (I actually like working in Topshop) and meeting up with the Roast club.

The Roast Club are a group of us who go to Roast after queens cu. You can only be a member if you actually order stuff with us at the same time. It's a weird thing. So it's me, Claire, Julie and Nat. Neil is an honourary member, but we have to say that cause he pretty much is always there and surrounded by us annoying girls.

The most exciting thing I've done since my last update was go to Florida for 2 whole weeks. It was fab. I got to catch up with everyone and catch some rays. It just felt like I was home- even though I wasn't. I guess it is my second home but I prefer to think of it as my oasis. I miss it when I'm home. I love home too. I love my family, though they drive me insane, and I love my friends- would not know what to do without them- but I miss my family in America too. I have a huge family in America it seems.

Anyway, I feel like I'm only updating to avoid revision. Soon enough I'll have 4 months to think of stuff to write!!

Thank God for brick walls

I really have been neglecting my blog- for two whole months. Eek.

I really don't know what I think right now. I've been floating out in the middle of the ocean wishing on a star for some time I think. My days have become pretty routine- different tasks but nothing ever accomplished. I don't think I've been living. I certainly haven't been living for God. I've been in a little "me" bubble and I've been entirely selfish with my time lately- or I should say, God's time.

Sometimes it amuses me when I run straight into a brick wall. Sure, it hurts. A lot. And boy am I embarrassed. But it's funny cause I should have seen it coming. I felt it coming. I felt a pang in my chest that told me something big was coming. But I shrugged it off as something else. Something that couldn't possibly be related to God.

I forget sometimes that everything relates to God- even the devil relates to God. My friend got asked by a kid in her Sunday school class why God didn't just kill the devil. Tough questions always come from kids- they're smart enough to realise what's going on AND not be scared to question it. But really, no matter how much it hurts God to see us screwed up by the devil, that He's already defeated, He's still hanging in there for us. I think it's a bigger thing to see God's power in watching His own Son die never mind his creation falling to pieces as we walk around simply thinking "Me, myself and I". It must take an awful lot more for God to go through all that just for us to love Him in a way that's no way measurable to how much He loves us. I think it would be way easier for him to just smite the devil and be done with it.

There's also the fact that without evil there's not really good. Without the devil we never would realise that there's such thing as perfection. It haunts me every day I wake up that there is perfection- but without that knowledge there's no way I'd comprehend in any way how much of a difference there is between my love and God's love and therefore realise what He really means and as a result actually choose to worship Him.

I missed the wonder of God. I missed the wonder of a sunset and the beating of a butterfly's wings, the mystery of a tree losing its leaves only to become reborn. I saw a robin the other day and I thought to myself "where do you go Mr Robin when winter time is done?" Ignoring the fact that I gave him a title, it was just such an amazing thought for me to have again. Something that any normal person would just go look up on the internet or forget about entirely I'm sure, but I just think it's amazing that even with life working as a circle and things coming and going into my life that I'm still seeing the wonder in it.

I mean I must have seen a lot of robins in my time. I think if they were around all year round I wouldn't appreciate them as much- and I wouldn't have a freaky looking one attached to my Christmas tree every year. But not only that, I wouldn't have thought about how much God thinks about things. He didn't just put every single animal in the same place for the same seasons - he made them all different, with different characteristics, different ways of communicating, different colours, different countries- and yet sometimes I can just put them all in a big collective and say "animals, yeah...job well done. Well except for those red ants."

I guess it's like humans too. Even if you don't look at one single human, but look at the human race as a whole, we're already more unique. And then you look at a single human- right down to their fingerprints and how anyone can come up with this all being an accident is beyond me.

I don't know what's happening. I don't think I'll ever understand how I can forget how much I need God. I'm sure somewhere deep down inside me I know I need Him, always- at least I hope so cause then it makes that pang when I look at my bible and remember that I haven't read it enough lately more worth it, cause if it's just guilt then I don't think I'm in love.

I do need God. I need Him for life- life to the full. For breath, for the strength to walk around in a falling world without being into floods of tears or hiding away in my room. I need God for my identity- no longer just a sinner- I'm saved, I'm bought, I'm free. And most of all I'm loved. Loved- how amazing it is to be loved. To have someone truly love you.

I read a thing today about metaphors for love- a lot of them were associated with economy, like loving someone is investing in them. But does that not mean that love is like money? Sometimes I really hate money cause it takes a lot of fun out of life. But love isn't like money. We certainly don't earn it. I wouldn't feel right in accepting it if I felt I actually had to earn it- cause how could I ever measure up? But it's not about earning- and it's not about giving it to those who are good enough in our eyes to receive it either.

Love your neighbour like yourself- I think I still need to learn how to do both. But I'm grateful now. I'm grateful that I know God loves me. Even if I have a tendency to run right into brick walls- when I come to He's standing there holding out a hand to pull me up onto my feet and hug me and tell me how much He missed me.

Blue

I was in such a bad mood tonight.

I met Emily for coffee today-the chat itself was great. She's volunteering at my church this year- and she's from America. We're kinda like opposites and yet completely the same. We've been challenging each other a lot. My challenge is to like me.

We were talking about how odd it is that we are LOVED by GOD and yet we still seek acceptance. The God of all creation loves us but we feel the need to dress in the right clothes, say the right things to be loved by people. It's a human condition to crave love and acceptance- something put in us by God I believe cause He wants us to seek him. And yet I seek love from friends, guys- anyone who I believe doesn't HAVE to love me. Even a stranger walking down the street.

I go to the bother of deciding what clothes I'm going to wear the night before. I stick little pieces of plastic to my eyes so I don't have to wear glasses and I spend a least 5 minutes every morning applying make-up that I highly doubt anyone can see- but it makes me feel better. I guess it makes me like every other human.

Some day I think I might just wear odd socks- clothes that really don't match or suit me- or perhaps just a silly hat. Or I'll put bright pink streaks in my hair. Or maybe I'll do the ironic thing of being gothic to be different and yet look like everyone else.

I think it's part of the reason I'd like to be five again. You should see some of the pictures of me from then! I wore the brightest colours, with frills and ruffles and pretty much everything and anything girly! I also had a fab pair of pink plastic sunglasses for the summer! Also, when I was 5 I didn't care about guys (though I did have a "boyfriend") or whether or not I was studying the right subject- or even if I was living the correct way. I was just living. Enjoying every day and everything it offered. I was excited to get out of bed!

I think that's part of the reason why I want to be a good mother. I want my children to experience the feeling of innocence and secure happiness for as long as possible-which is difficult in a world that's full of hatred and terror.

I guess I long for a child like faith too. One that just knows that I'm loved by God instead of wondering why He would ever think of me. I'm so glad that my dad was so good to me growing up because my favourite image of God is Him as a Father.

I'm tired now. Falling asleep as I type. I'm also babbling, so I'm going to go now! Night xo.

Rambling

It really has been a life time since I last updated. I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not really. I had so much stuff I needed to work through and using my blog to vent would not only have been annoying to readers, but embarrassing to me- in the long run anyway.

Lately I've been feeling quite angry at life. There are so many things happening right now that I'd just like to freeze so I have time to think about it. I hate making decisions quickly- for the most part I just hate decisions actually. I don't feel like I'm in a place to get anything right at the moment.

Anyway, I missed writing about my 20th(!!!!) birthday. Probably quite deliberately. Don't want to be 20. Filled out a form the other day and was like "hmm, what age am I? 19? Darn, no I'm 20!" Still want to be 5.

For my birthday I got a guitar, though technically I've had it since the summer. I also got clothes and cds and stuff. I got a box last week from USA. It rocked. I got a new dvd and a picture book which is fab cause now I have more pictures to look at and smile about. I really miss them all. Would love to be back there.

Oh also, I got my hair fixed! It's not longer red! That was very exciting- though no one noticed!

For my birthday I went bowling with friends from church. It was lots of fun. I also went out to lunch with a friend from Uni and went to CU and then to Roast to have coffee with all my friends. That was lots of fun, though I got slagged again. I'm constantly being slagged- mostly about guys. Luckily I really don't care. I think I take it a million time better now. Uni has increased my confidence levels!

I'm still adjusting to uni life. I don't know if I ever really will adjust. Kinda sucks when I see all the Methody people wandering about and I think how much I miss school. Why do I miss school? It really makes no sense. At the time I think I was quite dying to get out of there. To get away from all the rules. But really I like rules. I like structure. I like people telling me what and when I need to do- and having people to help me. Also, I miss all my friends. I have new friends in uni and they are a laugh- don't know what I'd do without them- and yet, it's just not the same. Things were a whole lot simpler then.

But then, would I sacrifice my gap year for simple? Nope. I wouldn't give up my friends and family in PSL for the world. My gap year was not a sacrifice, it was a blessing. I'm only really seeing how much that's true now. I learnt a lot more than I'll let on to my church and I grew as a person. I did change, even if people can't see it. My future changed. My views of family, love, children, home changed, without even factoring in God. Putting what I learnt about God and how I want Him to control everything completely changes my future.

That could be part of why I'm questioning chemistry. Could also be cause I suck at it. And maths is pure torture. Hmm...anyone else thinking Bible College? Though this could also be like the work thing- I'm meant to hate it.

What I'd love to do is sing. I love singing so much. My sister once said I would hum along to the vacuum cleaner. Not sure that's a good thing, but I have always loved singing. I used to make up songs when I was a kid. Then I realised I sucked at that too when I did GCSE music.

Ah well, I gotta go for food now. Hope you are all well. xoxo.

A love letter

Father's Love Letter - English

My Child
You may not know me, but I know everything about you Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your father 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore Psalm 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is Will you be my child? John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad. Almighty God

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Student Bum

Well I've just "survived" my first week of uni. It was awful.

I got up bright and early on Monday morning and got dressed in the outfit I'd picked out the night before (how organised of me) and wandered downstairs in search of food. Not much of a selection in my house. Might need to amend the shopping list this week!

Then I went and got the bus, but missed the one I wanted to get so I walked super-speed from town to uni. Kind of tiring so not good for focusing during lectures!

So I went to my first lecture and met Jennifer. She's kind of quirky, but still my first uni friend. The lecturer is quite amusing. He played random music and refused to start before 9! He pretty much started right in to talking about the course, the textbooks (one's £40 and the other's £60- the two best but there are like 20 others suggested!) Then he started straight into the Periodic Table. Apparently I have to learn it off-by-heart!! Ok, so the first group is Hydrogen, Lithium, Sodium, Potassium, Rubidium (or however you really spell it! It's symbol is Rb, that's enough for me!), Ceasium, Francium. So I know one column- only like another 6 to go!

Then I had an hour break which I shouldn't have had, but hey it was nice to go and have hot chocolate. I went to Common Grounds cause I'd lost Jennifer and was all alone *sniff*. But I know people who work at Common Grounds thanks to Preterm so I went there and wasn't a complete loner. Plus they don't believe in keeping their profits so I was helping people too! All was good with the world... (especially since the next chem lecture was nothing about actual chemistry)...

...UNTIL... maths. Dun dun dun. I love maths but my lecturer (who reminds me of a professor from Harry Potter- Professor Flitwick played by Warwick Davis who I just found out also played Willow. Creepy!) goes way too fast through stuff. He just skips points out and then I have to try and link back. Very distressing. And the class wasn't meant to happen then. It was meant to be during my hour break, but he was nice enough to repeat the lecture. Oh and when I was leaving chem I was stopped by Richard who wanted a copy of my timetable, which made me late for maths and while we were rushing to the lecture he was smoking dope!!!

Moving on... I walked home Monday not feeling too bad about it all, especially with the prospect of having Tuesday off. I went through my notes and wasn't feeling too bad about it all.

On Wednesday I got up and went to Ashby 612. The room was completely full of people- no empty seats, and I should have realised then that not all the class was there. Jennifer wasn't even there- though she was getting her glasses fixed instead! Anyway, we sat there for about half an hour before people started to leave. I felt bad about leaving cause he still could arrive, but then we realised that the lecture had actually happened in a different room! The timetables were wrong! I got the notes and had absolutely no idea what was going on. Partly because they were in the wrong order, but mostly because it's chemistry and who really knows what's going on?

Then I went to another maths lecture and was so lost. Due to the fact that he was going through stuff he'd done in Tuesday's problem class, but I was going to Wednesdays because soon enough Chem lectures will be on Tuesday. And then after hanging about for two hours and losing Nicky who was meant to be keeping me company, I went to the problem class and he just skipped questions and moved on to an exam paper. I was so lost. So my sister picked me up, already a drowned rat by this stage, and I went home and collapsed, fighting the tears.

I checked my emails (as we have to all the time) and had two apologies about the timetable. And the lecturer said he'd go through the notes. Phew. Things were looking up.

Thursday I went to a stupid IT induction that was a complete waste of sleeping time. Then onto another distressing maths class. Went into town after that and my mummy bought me warm clothes cause I'm not coping well with winter. Plus I like pretty clothes. Then she bought me lunch.

I then rushed back up to uni to meet Stephen. Walked super-speed again only to read a text saying he'd be 15 minutes late. Great. It was still nice to see him though. And I got a hug which made up for my lousy week I think. I'm so easily pleased!

Today was a million times better. I went to chemistry and he explained the notes from Wednesday and it all clicked! Wahoo! And then I went to maths, and although I still don't understand inequalities, we've moved onto vectors and so far I recognise it all. YAY. I'm going to figure out the rest of it over the weekend.

After my lectures I went to meet my sister in town, after being chatted up by a guy called Azeem. Oh joy. My sister bought me lunch and a cd, which is part of my birthday present. She's so sweet. Oh and then I saw Julie from preterm on the bus. Was very exciting. She's going to text me to meet up with her next week. Can't wait! She's hilarious.

So now you're up to date to the point of me falling asleep at the computer ____
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Really I am quite tired, so I'm going to go sleep now. In the words of Julia Stiles, "Sleep is good..."

Life

Not really sure what I'm writing about but it's fun to see what comes out....

Last night was a cool night. Went out with Jenny and Hassan to Odyssey. We were only meant to go bowling and to Pizza Hut but we ended up going to see an advanced showing of Serenity. I loved it. Would like to see it again. Kind of gross in parts- thought I might have nightmares- but really it has everything. Laughed loads, nearly cried, was so shocked at one point, literally biting my nails cause I was freaked out at one point. It's class.

Then we went to Pizza Hut and Jenny made me drink lots of coke and eat chocolate so I would wake up. Have to say it worked for like half an hour. Pizza was yummy, but kind of made me feel ill afterwards. Somehow Pizza Hut always does. Maybe it's cause of the grease or something. Even in America it had the same effect. Very odd. Could also have been partly cause I ate loads. Potato wedges, an individual pizza and some chocolate fondue.

Bowling was fun. Think Hassan expected he would have an easy win over us. I beat him first game, but I only bowled 100. Bowled 95 second time. Oooh and I hurt my thumb, and I was getting grouchy by this stage. Overall I'm happy with it!

Last night I found it really hard to get to sleep. Think I fell asleep close to 3 and then I woke up at 9 this morning and even though I could have slept til like 10.30 (I worked out how long I needed!) I just couldn't get back to sleep. Very annoying.

I had to go to a Queens induction today. Very boring and not helpful at all. Complete waste of time! Tomorrow is Freshers festival and apparently I HAVE to go. Couldn't be bothered really. Thursday I have to go for some speech thing too. Last week of freedom- yeah right!

Looked at the timetable I have for two of my modules and it's crazy! Don't have my third module times yet but I'm guessing they'll be about 10hours per week so I'll be in like 26 hours. Don't think I'll enjoy Tuesday cause I have practicals 10-1, a maths lecture at 1 and then more practicals 2-5. Ah well. I think I'm liking the idea of getting started, even if I will be busy. I just want to know what all the modules are like and then get used to a routine again. Course time will fly after that, but really I don't know what I'm waiting around for. I'm getting frustrated with my life right now so I think I'm ready for a change.

"If not" faith

Daniel 3:15- 18
"¹⁵ Now when you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipes and all kinds of music, if you are ready to fall down and worship the image I made, very good. But if you do not worship it, you will be thrown immediately into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?"

¹⁶ Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. ¹⁷ If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. ¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

I remember doing the spiritual gifts test and finding one of my gifts to be faith. It made me wonder, as does this passage, of how far faith can take us. I took a big leap of faith going to America- and yet it felt like nothing, especially in comparison to stepping into a blazing furnace. It amazes me to think that God is there even in the toughest times. Kind of puts stepping into university into perspective. Really compared to what these guys went through, or many other people throughout the world who are persecuted for their faith, I have it easy.

It's also cool to see that their faith is not simply because they know what God will do. Obviously they would hope that God would protect them- but really, who knows what God's going to do? They just said "even if He doesn't save us, we aren't going to worship." It's always a risk to step out in faith, but God is a God of love.

"Nothing that happens can harm me,
Whether I lose or win.
Though life may be changed on the surface,
I do my main living within."

Just read a really deep thing. "We must have a love for God so strong that even if everything around us was stripped away -our work, family, health, status - we would still go on loving Him regardless."

I think that's a tough challenge. I do know in times of trouble I run to God, like a child who scraps their knee runs to a parent. It's kind of hard to predict what I would do in a situation where I was left with nothing. I would hope that I would think that truly I could never have nothing because God will not leave me nor forsake me.

Readings

"ONE day while driving on a new motorway I noticed several large
electronic signs at various intervals above the road.  Some of the signs
were blank, while others flashed a message, usually warning motorists of
traffic conditions ahead.  I decided to look at all of them because one
might say something that would affect my route or safety.

As I thought about those signs, it dawned on me that I read the Bible
each day for much the same reason.  Sometimes the Bible speaks to me
more than at other times.  But on any given day there may be a message
there that will change the direction I am traveling and protect me or
someone else from harm.  I may find a word of guidance that helps me
make a decision or avoid a sin.  I may find a word of reproach that
causes me to change the way I'm thinking or acting.  I may find a word
of grace that brings peace and forgiveness to my spirit.  Each day I
read the Bible to see what message God has for me." 
Dick Ryley

I read this is this morning (or actually afternoon for me cause I slept really late
due to the lack of sleep before!) It was kind of right there with what I needed to
think this morning what I needed to think.  

Queens CU Preterm

I'm just back from Queens CU preterm and it was cool! I met SO many people. Was slightly daunting, but still really good. I think I'll probably just randomly bump into a lot of them cause no one else is studying chemistry so I won't be in their small group, and CU big gatherings have like 500 people there so I doubt I'll see them regularly.

The speaker Dave (I do know his last name but I'm running on like 4 hours sleep last night- which is a lot, but not when you had two nights previously with not enough sleep, plus I like sleep and it helps me function.), anyway, yes, he was cool. He was really quite inspirational and I did feel like he was talking just to me so much.

He works in City Church and is so excited about their coffee shop. He talked a lot about his work there and previously in youth groups. He also talked a lot about his family,and showed finding nemo clips! He's been married to Jill for about 6 years and they have two gorgeous children- Mia, who's 2 and a half, and Chi (pronounce Ki and short for Malachi) is 9 months old. They were so cute and really not all that put off by the large group of people.

Anyway, I wrote down a lot and thought I'd share some of that. It really is amazing to think that even as the world was being created, our lives were known and significant. No longer can we, as Christians, say we don't matter. God loves us so much He sent His son- who looked into a cup not only full of our sin, but God's wrath that we should have paid for and said "Not my will, but yours."

Dave was talking about when Jesus was praying and saying if someone had been there and asked him why he would go through with all that distress, he might say that he would never want to see the pain that was in his eyes in ours. I just thought that was amazing. I very often get freaked out by things- not to as great a distress as that, but I do hold onto a lot of stuff. One of those things is death, but really death has lost it's sting. The devil has no power- and in fact we can make him cower in fear by God's power. It's kind of amazing to think about it all.

A lot of my devotions and the talks focused on how God needs to be "always before me."
Psalm 16:8-11
⁸ I keep the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. ⁹ Therefore my heart is glad, and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, ¹⁰ because you will not abandon me to the grave nor will you let your Holy One see decay. ¹¹ You have made known to me the path of life; you fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

It really made me think about when the last time my heart was truly glad or my tongue rejoiced. Am I really giving it all to God? Do I fully believe that I'm keeping Him always before me and therefore shall not be shaken?

I think I'm in the habit of self-reliance, or reliance on other humans. Sometimes it's good to rely on others- like Jesus in flesh- but I read yesterday in my devotion "unless we have complete confidence in God how can we live as a joyous child?" I have total faith in God's ability to do anything. All things are possible. It's just sometimes I question why He would want to do that for me. I do need to remind myself that to God, I'm significant.

I was thinking also that I might be seeking to be 5 (cause being 5 would rock!) in body, mind, heart and spirit. To be free of all the burden, not because it doesn't exist, but because God alone is my rock and salvation, He is my fortress and I will not be shaken. I want to live in total dependence of God. I want to trust in God with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding- cause if I trust myself I'll end up flat on my face. Only God can make my path straight.

It's like a real loving relationship (or so I'm told) that you have to be vulnerable. When you are in love with someone you are automatically vulnerable because that person has the power to destroy you. I think that's a lesson to me, that you can't love and be protected- in relationships with spouses and in the marriage with God. I can't hold back from God and be ashamed- cover up- because apart from the fact God can see all, I need to be fully vulnerable with God. Apart from anything who else is going to love me unconditionally?

But the cool thing is that God does love us unconditionally- and pure love casts out fear. If we are in a situation where we might be rejected by others we can still step back and say "that's ok" because no matter what God loves us and is for us.

Our souls cannot relax and remain untroubled until we are convinced of the love and goodness of God. And no matter how it may seem that God doesn't love us through all the many things that are happening in our mixed up world- such as Hurricanes and Tsunamis- we need to believe that God is a just loving God who is perfect and therefore right in the way that He manages His creation. It's not like a kid playing with ants and a magnifying glass, it's like a father who sends us children out to play. If one of them gets hurt it's not the father's fault or intention, but he's there for his offspring, to comfort and love. The world isn't always perfect, but it seems brighter when there's someone who's always there.

Ok, so this seems very disjointed because it was thoughts spread three days, but the most important point is that I want to acknowledge God in all I do. It's a big challenge, especially with all the other things going on, but to quote my friend Cathay (substituting Chemistry for Pharmacy)
"I want to leave Queens knowing more about God than I do about Chemistry."

The Challenge

I set myself the challenge of classic tv stuff using the alphabet list. It's tough.
A - Alvin and Chipmunks
B- Bagpuss or Bananman ...tough...think Bagpuss wins just for classicness
C- was going to say Clangers but Count Duckula so wins! Either that or Cookie Monster- who isn't allowed to eat cookies now(?)
D-Dinosaurs or Dangermouse
E- the only TV show I remember beginning with E is the Ewoks which was cool but I think I'd like to take a character spot with Elmo or Ernie. Probably Elmo cause he's so cute.
F- Fraggle Rock cause it...rocks! And also, Family Ness!
G-Garfield (and friends)
H-Hong-Kong Phooey. Oh my. I loved that show!
I-Inspector gadget.
J-Jetsons Or Jon Arbuckle from Garfield
K-Kermit T. Frog
L-Lanolin the sheep from Garfield and Friends
M-Muppet Babies, Mr Benn
N-Nanny from muppet babies- all we saw were her legs but she was still classic. She was also the lucky daughter. Or Nanny from Count Duckula "I'll get it!"
O-Oscar the grouch
P-Poddington peas or Penny Crayon
Q- Quick Draw McGraw
R-Roobarb and Custard, Racoons, Raggy Dolls (with the evil song "Look who's in the reject bin!")
S-Smurfs, Shoe People, Stoppit and Tidy up, SESAME STREET
T-Trap Door, Top Cat,Thundercats, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
U-Uncle "Traveling" Matt Fraggle
V-The only one I can think of is Velma from Scooby doo!
W-Wombels, Worzel Gummidge, Wacky races
X- I'm thinking I need to start my own cool show with characters with Xtremely weird names- X is impossible unless I include X-men!
Y-Yogi Bear or Yaffle, Professor Yaffle, the wooden bird from Bagpuss
Z-Zoe from Sesame street, Zebedee from magic roundabout

I'm quite impressed at the list!

Portrush and Puddles

In true Northern Ireland fashion a group of us - numbers 11 through 18- went on a trip to Portrush yesterday despite the weather predictions of "chance of sunshine, zero" and "high risk of thunder and lightning." You begin to expect rain here. I should buy sensible rain shoes- do they exist?

It was a good day. Never been so thankful for Barrys. The happiest place on earth- well it is when your other option is the becoming a drowned rat who has a long train ride home. Was funny though cause we went on the Cyclone- Pam, Nicky, Melanie, Stephen and me. Obviously that's an odd number so Melanie, Stephen and I went on one as a three. I remember the ride being bigger. It didn't disappoint with speed or fun though- I laughed the entire time!

Then people decided to go on the dodgems. I figured I enough back problems without whiplash from that being added (though I am a good driver...though SOME people think I'm the person most likely to crash.)

Next was the ghost train. Michael decided we should scream the whole way round. Have to say Pam and Michael did scream the whole way round. Stephen did most of it. I screamed at one part that actually scared me and jumped at another- which is hilarious because that ride is so not scary. Glow in the dark plastic "scary" things. OOOH! Good for comic value though.

Then we went on the Satellite. Have to say I love it! I used to always walk in and think that I'd love to go on and not be scared and I wasn't this time, though I did scream. Was class though and I got to laugh with Pam! YAY!

We spent quite a bit of time around the machines and some people went on the Carousel but it was making me sick just looking at it. Then we went for a little walk and got more wet. My feet were frozen by the end of it. I also never want to see a "claw" machine again- guess Toy Story is out then.

The train ride home was so fun. After playing Trivial pursuit- Genus (?) edition, and me feeling really dumb, we played I spy with my pretend eye! The person saying the I spy part says what letter it is and then everyone comes up with something beginning with that letter that we'd like to spy and the best one wins. It's so much more fun than the real game! I won on the letter P, which is quite fitting seeing as my name begins with it, with the suggestion of the Poddington Peas. How cool were they? Was trying to think up cool tv things for each letter- A would be Alvin and the chipmunks definitely! Could take forever to make the list. Maybe that'll be my next blog- just to show you how much time I have on my hands due to being sick and needing rest!

Anyway, it was a great day and thanks to Stephen for organising it, inviting me and answering to "daddy" all day long. I never did catch on to that. Think that's a good thing.

Anyway, I'm still sick (3 weeks now!) and I'm tired, which makes sense cause it's like midnight. I'm going to go sleep. Hope you are all well! xo.